Hey Volstad, congratulations on being the first jar of Hellman's Mayonnaise to make it to the majors. I'm sure everyone back home at the mathematical center of America is very proud. If you threw at me twice in the same game I'd smoosh your head between two graham crackers like the giant marshmallow that it is. Nyjer Morgan's crime was trying to steal a base... down by 11. Is it Stupid Old Man Baseball Code Opposite Day? Not only is that so backwards that only a Marlins fan could agree with it, but you're also a huge wimp. It's easy to be the enforcer when it's 9 on 1. You can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll fight.
Gaby Sanchez, not only does your name make you sound like an actress from The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants but you're also a cheapshot artist. Email me and we'll arrange a time for me to drop you faster than John Lackey. I'm serious.
Jeffrey Loria, I'm always up to fight you out of principal, and this is your team, so I figured I'd throw it out there. Be in touch.
Nyjer, you're our new Milton Bradley since he doesn't play baseball anymore. Stay righteous. Keep being singled out for having an actual personality, for acting like a human, and god forbid, running over A CATCHER. That's what they're there for! Walkoff Walk has your back. For real, I'll fight anybody.