Vince Naimoli Signs Books In The Room From "No Exit"

| | Comments (16)
cute-puppy-pictures-nobody-came-birthday-party.jpg

For the past couple years I've sat here watching the Raysaissance and guys like old GM Chuck LaMar and original owner Vince Naimoli try and glom some credit whereever they could. I've savaged LaMar and attacked Naimoli but nothing I've written has been so coldly effective as Lane DeGregory's story about Naimoli's recent book signing. I'd like to excerpt the entire thing in a blockquote but that's kinda frowned upon so please read it. I'll just pull out some of the super extra most depressing parts.

The headline calls Naimoli "out of the spotlight" showcasing DeGregory's complete mastery of understatement.

Alone.

In the back of Haslam's bookstore.

Reading his memoir.

"VINCE NAIMOLI," screamed the hardback's gold headline, in inch-high, all capital letters. Business, Baseball & Beyond, whispered the white subhead on the glossy cover. Last fall, Naimoli published 5,000 copies.

Someone had shoved a round wooden table into the aisle between shelves labeled Business and Baseball. Someone had poured cranberry juice into a cut-glass bowl, set out a tray of Pepperidge Farm cookies.

Twenty minutes after the signing was scheduled to begin, no one had even looked at one of Naimoli's books.

Oh god, I can't take the crushing sadness. The thing about the cranberry juice and the Pepperidge Farm cookies is so note perfect I feel like it got pulled from a Richard Ford novel. I need one of those lightboxes they give people with Seasonal Affective Disorder to get through the rest of this. Am I changing? Do I feel... bad for this old man? Oh, wait. Nope.

"When we do win our first World Series championship," he wrote in the book's ending, "I'll be bursting with pride. And curious: Will people remember how it all began? How I helped make their dream come true?"

Epic sigh. It all STARTED when you gave up control of the team a couple years ago and... you know what. I can't type this again. I just can't. You've broken me.

The man who once berated a lowly traffic cop with the classic "Don't you know who I am?" compares himself to Clint Eastwood in the book. This guy. Let's get back to the existential nothingness.

Naimoli said he was donating the proceeds from his $24.99 book to college scholarships.

Maybe that's why he stayed.

For more than an hour, he sat at that table, talking to store workers, answering customers' questions. Hardly anyone asked about him. A half-dozen people asked about the Rays.

Three hours before the first pitch, Naimoli had signed one book for a man named Lou. When a disheveled man walked up, rubbing his forehead, he looked hopeful. "I have a weird question," the man said. Naimoli nodded and smiled. "Isn't Ted Williams' body frozen somewhere?"

Oh, to be a fly in the New Age/Spirituality section when that drunken kook showed up. I feel like the ennui in that room was so thick that there's no way DeGregory can't be tainted by it now. I don't even want to meet her. I don't want to come in contact with anyone that was in that bookstore on that night or any night since.

Enjoy your $25 scholarship, Vince Naimoli protege. I think we can safely call this tome a tough sell.


PREVIOUS: More Like Gloveless Joe Jackson, Amirite?   |   NEXT: The Yankees Win At Everything, Including Deplorable Poverty

16 Comments

But were they Pirouettes? Milanos? Brusselses? Mint Milanos!?!? No chance. Naimoli definitely had goddamn plate of those revolting Veronas.

With this article, Kris turned from "Whatever, no big deal" Garfield into General William "As if beating the South wasn't enough, lets just burn all their shit to the ground" Tecumseh Sherman. Way to kick Clint...I mean Vince while he's down Liakos.

Granted, someone needs to photoshop Kris' face into this picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:William-Tecumseh-Sherman.jpg

It'd look fantastic

My votes on using this picture: http://www.walkoffwalk.com/2009/02/the-best-of-kris-liakos-august.html


It just screams, "Fuck you Robert E. Lee. Fuck you too Georgia. IMMA MURDER YOU ALL!!!

@Freetzy

You can't forget the Chessmen. DEAR GOD! Don't forget them.

So how is Tommy Wiseau involved?

YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LANE DEGREGORY

Pffft, I'm still in favor of burning the South. Dadgummed traitors and alligator humpers, the lot of you.

Kris Tecusmeh Liakos-Sherman!

Do your Union given duty and burn down their land in the lower 10 for funsies. If you do a real good job, we might even give you free passes to "Our American Cousin." That's a savings of 10 cents!

I gotta tell ya, as a "so far north he's almost Canadian" bro, there are few things stranger than walking into a hotel lobby in Virginia and seeing paintings of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson behind the check-in counter...

Advance Praise for VINCE NAIMOLI's Business, Baseball & Beyond:

"Sockdologizing" - Carl Crawford

"Uproarious!"

-James Dolan!

@Ed

I'm juuuuuuuust about in the same "So far north..." category being in Wisconsin. But I also lived in Virginia for a few years. In my experience, they hold onto those times more for how much the south used to be respected and not just the butt of jokes.

Now, in white-person Packer land, these people are flat out racist. Funny how 150 years changes things...

"Cotton pickin'." - Foghorn Leghorn

"He looks AND thinks like me."

-Lou Perlman

"VARMINT!" -Yosemite Sam

"ASSY" -Tommy Lasorda
"...BUT DELICIOUS--HEY, STOP INTERRUPTING ME"

"Commence tha Jigglin'" - Jiggle Billy

Leave a comment