When I say, "World Series!" you say, "Liveglog Club Blazers!"
Now, World Series!
You're all so self conscious. Ozzie Guillen just said he's gonna separate his heart from his brains. I was unaware they'd ever been connected on him, but I get what he's saying. Pick a side! Root with your whole throat! It's the Fall Classic, it's a starting pitching matchup for the ages, and I bought some Cranberry Lemonade Four Loko! Come get crunk after the jump. SEEEEEEERRRIIIIEEEESSSSS!
7:48: I drank one of these about a year and a half ago. I remember it tasting even worse than Joose and far far worse than Sparks. I did not remember incorrectly. It is like poison. Pure sugary poison. I keep wincing.
7:53: Instead of letting Buck and McCarver catch you up on things you already know (like Buster Posey is good and you can't stand Buck and McCarver), watch a video from one of my favorite SF bands, American Music Club.
Damn, I'm supposed to be getting you pumped up aren't I? Sorry!
7:55: Pansy Division to distract you from the fake ass James Earl Jones they got narrating this intro. Don't worry I won't be doing this all game.
7:59: The Taco Bell Starting Lineup: ensuring I'll be talking about Chalupa boats all game, once again. Here's first pitch!!!!ONE!!!11
8:01: Elvis Andrus takes Timmy to 1-1 then singles. Buck tells everyone about how Michael Young is the Rangers all-time leader in hits. That's the sort of team history thing they do for football teams in the Super Bowl because the assume that many people are watching their first football game of the season. If that's the assumption for the World Series, I kind of don't buy it. You?
8:03: Can't wait for this "Year Of The Pitcher" bunk to be over. According to this chinese food menu that I wrote my will on, next year is the Year Of The Rat. The Red Sox should sign Splinter. Young walks. Get ready for a Josh Hamilton 20 second bio from Ol' Bucky.
8:06 Hamilton grounds out to first. Bet you ten bucks Bucky calls it a productive o... THERE IT IS.
8:07: That was fast. Vlad hits a rocket off Lincecum's foot and it drives in a run. Not a productive foot from Lincecum. 1-0 Rangers.
8:10: Welp. Timmy's stoned. He pushes Young back to third on the comebacker but doesn't start the pickle to actually make the out. That's a novel way to set up the double play... WHICH HE DOES. I've got foresight tonight! Gimme more Loko!
8:13: Has anyone tried using that thick new Gatorade in teh foil pouch for a demi glace? It's transcendent. I've never eaten duck to prepare for a track meet before. Wonders never cease!
8:15: Torres K's but Sanchez doubles. Just a reminder. Every time you marvel at Lee's curveball tonight take a shot. If you want numbers about when he throws it and shit like that, leave here and go check out our friends at Fangraphs. They're glogging too. Drug talk, punk rock and John Stamos? Keep it locked here.
8:20: Florida State Seminole Buster Posey flies out. Freddy Sanchez strays waaaaay too far off second to get doubled off and end the inning. The Giants are not exactly looking like the grasp the magnitude of this series. Snap out of it, duders.
8:24: Former blogger Bengie Molina singles to start the inning. Tim McCarver seems to have contracted that disease from Jon Miller where you awkwardly accent the syllables in a latin name. sanCHEZ! Lincecum strikes out Wes Borland on 3 pitches. GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BREAK.
8:27: Cliff Lee doubles but Bengie Molina runs like your gramma so he only makes it to third. The Rangers high five claw move thing. You guys wanna discuss that? You come up with talking points in the comments and I'll try and develop a joke.
8:29: Ugh. Molina scores on a middling sac fly where a halfway decent throw from Torrez could have gotten him out. This looks like an April game from your NL Champs early. Need to find more Bay Area band videos before you all eave me for hockey or basketball or How I Met Your Mother. Inning over. 2-0 Rangers.
8:34: Clare, I hope your parents aren't reading this. Pat Burrell leads off the inning.
8:36: Burrell (ahem, "The Machine") strikes out. Ken Rosenthal's bowtie is actually a piece of bowtie pasta. BECAUSE HE IS SMALL. IF I TWEET THAT HE'LL READ IT. Cody Ross flies out. Aubrey Huff bloop single. I bet Vince Naimoli will take credit for that. LOTS OF JOKES AT 8:36.
8:41:Uribe strikes out to end the inning. Cliff Lee jogs off the mound a lot like Tom Glavine used to. Looking like he's going to get the mail. What does that mean? If you pour Four Loko on the joke it will reveal itself.
8:44: Wouldn't it be cooler if the Rangers did this when they did good stuff instead?
8:45: Hamilton flies out.
8:46: 1-2-3 inning for Lincecum. If we had extended playoffs and the Rangers beat not just the Yankees and Rays but also the Red Sox, apologist Blue Jay bloggers wouldn't know what to do with themselves.
8:50: Four Loko makes your teeth hurt. Greg Maddux is in the house tonight? I guess that explains the legions of shrieking girls you hear in the stands. Has there ever been a bigger heartthrob than Greg Maddux? E-6 Mike Young. Edgar Renteria. Hey has Renteria ever been in the series before. /kicking the bloated corpse of Indians fans.
8:53: Lincecum flies out. "Has there ever been a more intimidating team president than Nolan Ryan?" -Joe Buck "Yes, George Bush." -Tens Of Thousands Dead Iraqi Citizens. Lee hits Torres. Two on.
8:57: Sanchez doubles, scores Renteria. 2-1.The Giants' organist is just kind of hanging out there isn't he? Seem like he'd be easy to screw with. C'mon Florida State Seminole Buster Posey!!
8:59: Posey liner ties it! 2-2 Go Noles.
9:01: The Machine gets frozen on a plain ol' 95 MPH fastball. Cody Ross is up. I haven't seen a guy with a beard and shaved head this successful since my Jr. High janitor. Or Bad News Brown.
9:05: Lee K's Ross to end the inning.
9:07: Wait, wait, wait. Pizza Hut lowered prices and "got rid of the confusion"?? HALLELUJAH! That was what had been keeping me from eating Pizza Hut for the past 15 years. It was just TOO CONFUSING. I never figured out the correct format for entering toppings into my TI-83. PIZZA HUT: PUTTING THE "PIZZA" BACK IN POPULISM.
9:11: Renteria makes the first two putouts of the inning. The first deep in the hole. Wes Borland hits a double. OTHER LIMP BIZKIT LYRIC.
9:13: Renteria makes ALL 3 putouts in the inning. And yes, Mackenzie Allard DID get that same dress, but she has a moustache and scabs all over her elbows.. So buy it anyway, kid.
9:17: Cliff Lee's hobbies: Fishing for Torii Hunter.
9:20: Oh God. Tim McCarver is giving history lessons. This always, always, always ends with him talking about the list of states that still outlaw sodomy.
9:22: Lee strikes out Uribe, then gets that other guy to fly out. Inning ovah. Did Bucky just sasy that Glen Kuiper was in Guided By Voices? They DO mention Candlestick Park in "Look, It's Baseball".
9:25: Elvis out. Uribe makes a WONDERFUL play on Young. 2 down.
9:29: 1-2-3. Again. Sigh I already see extra innings. And I already choked down all my Loko. Better put some meth in my seltzer.
9:31: haven't been around for too many glogs this postseason since I was moving and stuff. Have we already been over the fact that Tim Allen does the commercial voiceovers for like 4 different companies now? Lincecum leads off.
9:33: Lincecum out. Torres doubles again. They're looping em off Lee pretty well. I'm eating a homemade taco because Taco Bell just made their shit too confusing. TAKE A LESSON FROM PIZZA HUT YOUR FELLOW PEPSI OWNED SHITTY FOOD MONOLITH. WE WANT EASY.
9:36: Sanchez doubles off Lee to drive in Torres. That's one potent Latin duo. 3-2 Giants. Are you more stoked that we have close game or more stoked that you'll have to read 25,000 entries, articles and tweets re: Cliff Lee being mortal tomorrow. If it's the latter you're a Phillies fan and you just need to get over it. Lee Ks FSSBuster Posey.
9:41: Suspense! Full count with 2 outs. I'm all sweaty in the brow. Mostly because it was a bizarro November sweatbox in New York. Lee WALKS his second guy all postseason. This is not going well for dude. Ross comes up.
9:43: It's not so much that Lee isn't pitching all scoreless innings that makes it out of the ordinary. It's that he looks uncomfortable. That's the rare thing. Ross singles to center. 4-2.
9:46: Screwing up the "definition" of something as self evident as "two out hit" is something only Tim McCarver could do. He is a master craftsman.
9:49: Stone Cold Aubrey Huff drives in another. Drives Lee from the game. There's your ad nauseum narrative until Game 2, people who read sports stuff.
9:54: Juan Uribe Tater Dongs a ball so hard that it freezes the WoW server. That's raw power. 8-2 Giants, then Renteria is plunked and Elvis makes an error. PRICE IS RIGHT NOISE.
9:58: O'Day Finally ends the inning with a K. Tim Allen is back. I hope he makes that monkey noise in a Chevy commercial soon. Tim Allen Monkey Noise vs. Arsenio Hoo Hoo Hoo. Who ya got?
10:00 Thanks for the reminder, Gorge!
10:02: "Gettin' it, Bringin' It & Skippin' It: Tim Lincecum's Guide To Bail Bonds" Dude Ks the first two in the inning.
10:06: After Kinsler walks, Molina brings him in easily from first. 8-3. Just keep throwing strikes, Timmy.
10:08: Lincecum gets hit with ANOTHER liner! He must feel like he's been getting smacked with O'Banion's FAH-Q stick all night. (joke credit, FH)
10:10 Murphy scores Molina. 8-4. And like it seemingly always happens we get pedestrian performances from each of our transcendent pitchers in a hyped to the hilt matchup. If only Pizza Hut could make this less complicated for us.
10:13: That's Los Campesinos! in the Budweiser commercial right? Santiago Casilla in for SF. Has looked great at times this postseason.
10:15: Ks Andrus to put out the fire. Look at this sweet pic DMac just made for us!
10:20: What the hell did Debbie Reynolds ever direct?
10:22: Via my friend Breeze, I was right, that's Los Campesinos! You kids remember I was Matt T before Matt T was Matt right?
10:25: Bay Area Band #4.
10:29: What happens when Tae Bo and Tai Chi lose their ties? Bochy. 2 down! Seriously running of joke gas here people. The Loko stopped working.
10:32: Casilla gets Cruz to float out behind 2nd base. God bless America means only one thing, Tony Bennett or no Tony Bennett. Smoke break on the fire escape! He's one classy dude though. Brb.
10:40: To further Buck's point (something I'd never thought I'd say), the Rangers added and subtracted key pieces mostly throughout an ownership crisis and bankruptcy. Single for Stone Cold Huff.
10:43: Would the Yankees still be playing if they'd left that guy in to finish the rest of that chalupa?
10:48: Oof. Kinsler rounds first, falling for the Huff's old "hidden ball/barrel roll" trick. Gaffes a Poppin'! I'm gonna end the glog after this half inning. YOU'RE ON WALKOFF WALK REMEMBER??
10:54: Alright kids, after 7.5 I'm signing off. Enjoy Brian "Zangief" Wilson if he makes it in there. Pic courtesy of this guy. G'night!
BONUS: From, who else, The Amazing DMac.