Yankees fans are an annoying lot. I know this for a fact; I've been embedded in their dirty camp for my entire life. I've even taken advantage of my membership in a massively un-exclusive club by going on the road to a rival's ballpark and acting the fool at an ALCS game. What were those Baltimoreans going to do, shake their fist at me, cluck their tongue, and bury their fat faces in Boog's BBQ? Actually yes, that's exactly what they did.
One thing we Yankees fans like to do on the eve of the playoffs is make a seemingly guaranteed prediction. There is no middle ground on these predictions. Usually, it's "we're going to win the World Series" but sometimes, like this year's model, or the 2006 edition, or even back to the Subway Series winner of 2000, the typical Yankees fan would say, "this team is garbage, we're getting swept in the first round, screw this post-game traffic on the Cross Bronx." Such is the nature of a spoiled, obnoxious fanbase operating in an era when a World Series trophy only comes after a whopping three rounds of playoffs.
Me, I'm just happy to be here. The ultimate goal, to me, is the pennant, but even the tiny notch on the bedpost that comes with a mere Wild Card win is worth taking notice. So to that end, I'm not going to predict exactly what will happen to the 2010 edition of the New York Playoff Yankees. The numbers and history are there to give us guidance but luck plays too big a role in short series to make such a sweeping judgment. Instead, let me break down what I think the odds of each possible outcome are:
- Swept in ALDS by Twins, 10%: The really terrible part about this possible outcome is the way it would end. No Yankee fan should be forced to suffer the indignity of watching the Twins clinch the ALDS with
Carl Pavano on the mound in the Bronx. Yecch. (update: I've been informed that Pavano will pitch Game 2 and someone named "Brian Duensing" will pitch game three. I think that's actually Bert Blyleven in disguise)
- Lose ALDS in five games because of bad umpiring, 14%: Sometimes the universe rights itself. But don't get too excited, Minnesotans. In this case, the universe would immediately un-right itself again and Joe Mauer would lose both his legs in a freak trampoline accident.
- ALDS canceled when Bud Selig's statue comes alive and terrorizes entire Midwest, 2%: You laugh now but you won't be laughing when this happens. Hope you're all paid up on your statue insurance.
- Lose ALCS in seven games to Rays, 25%: Yankees teams never lose League Championship Serieses, except for those few times that they did. But this Rays beast is worrisome, what with their strong starting pitching, tidy bullpen, and a defense that sucks up baseballs like an industrial-strength Shop Vac. I fear this outcome the most, although I cannot imagine how the Yanks would even make the seventh game with that rotation. Stinkeroo!
- Swept in World Series by Giants, 13%: Not going to lie, I would actually enjoy this. My dad grew up rooting for the Giants and it's pretty unfair that Dusty Baker gave that fat slob Russ Ortiz the game ball and blew up the 2002 World Series for San Fran. The last time San Francisco won a World Series was, well, never. So I endorse this endpoint, as disappointing as it would be.
- Sweep Braves to win World Series, 10%: Only because nostalgia for the 1990s is totally hot right now.
- Win World Series in six games over Phillies, 19% This is the same thing that happened in 2009. It's the sort of repetitive East Coast-centric event that will irritate any American living west of the Susquehanna River, so I wholeheartedly approve.
- Lose World Series to Phillies, 7%: The only positive result I can see from this is that our pal Meech would make a killing selling "DYNASTY" t-shirts with a silhouette of Carlos Ruiz in the background. There, I designed it, now give me a percentage of profits.
So place your bets now, folks. I've got twenty bucks on Bionic Bud Selig.