Welcome to the offseason, a veritable wonderland of nonsense for professional baseball players. Some folks head to Arizona to play fall ball; some head down to the Caribbean to play winter ball. But the ones living the life of Riley back at home have nothing better to do than sit on their rumps and play around with their Twitter devices...that's a boon to our wildly popular feature, This Tweet in Baseball. Content, ho!
On with the offseason tweets:
In a stroke of pure irony, Reds rookie pitcher Matt Maloney, a person who is paid to throw a baseball and not to opine on current events, wonders if people care what a dopey guy on a reality show says.
Astros outfielder Hunter Pence, when not walking through a sliding glass door or playing nerd games, likes to buy new gadgets he can experiment with in his kitchen. Turns out he got the Ninja and if he was smart, he'd be getting a tidy promotional gift from the good people at Ninja Juicers. Actually, I recommend the Ninja Juicer, too. For all your juicing needs!
When not blowing saves for the Indians or spending half the season on the disabled list, Jensen Lewis likes to chain-smoke Pall Malls and take naps in tanning beds, just like his hero John Boehner.
Some baseball players spend their hard-earned money going to see other professional athletes play other professional sports. I'm not exactly sure, but I think Coco Crisp is inviting me to go to a Clippers game with him! Oh my oh my oh my! Sure, Coco! Let me just toss some jeans on and...wait a minute...there's not a catch to this offer, is there?
Going on vacation to sunny Orlando is a pretty sweet idea after the playoffs are over. Even guys on teams that didn't even sniff the postseason agree! Indians pitcher Chris Perez knows the score, EPCOT + booze = happy times.
Reds pitcher Sam LeCure wants to dabble in the A&R game during the winter break. He hears a hit single in his head and he'll be damned if Dylan doesn't do it for him. Brilliant idea, Sam, getting a legend to rewrite one of his biggest hits.
Yankees outfielder and erstwhile blogger Curtis Granderson wants to clean up his kitchen and, at the same time, do something charitable. Curtis, I know at least one Yankees fan who would pay money to get actual dishes that the great Curtis Granderson used, no matter how fancy or how used. Call me!
Nationals pitcher Collin Balester is getting back into the social media scene during the offseason, but he'll be darned if Mark Zuckerman's latest tweak to Facebook isn't giving him the business! Dammit, Zuckerman! Fix the fonts so Balester can plant some virtual lima beans on his virtual farm!
And finally, what would an update on baseball players' offseason activities be without an update on Ozzie Guillen's golf game?
Oh, that Ozzie Guillen! Always self-deprecating. And in two different languages, too.
SPECIAL BEAT WRITER TWEET EDITION: You think baseball players are boring on Twitter? Well, have you ever read an entire day's worth of Tweets from a beat writer on a travel day during the playoffs? It's like watching an episode of "The Amazing Race" except without the amazing parts, or the race.