We're still a few days away from unveiling the official Walkoff Walk enemies list but since said list contains folks towards whom we have sustained hatred, now seems like a good time to do a feature on a handful of people we have attacked just once. To wit, I decided that today, and not Saturday night, is alright for fighting. Let's crap out a complete lineup of the professional baseball players (and executives!) that our own Kris Liakos has publicly called to the mat for a tussle.
Kris has a rich history of challenging athletes to fights that (probably) predates the blog. It doesn't matter one shred to Kris that his targets will probably not read his calls for confrontation. Heck, one of his most noteworthy moments of aggression was demanding that an invisible old man at a Pirates game hand over his bag of peanuts! Here, to that end, are the three instances that occurred over the past three years:
- Jose Canseco, May 21, 2008:
"My name is Kris and I want to fight Jose Canseco. I am 6'1 and weigh about 195 pounds. I'm a little heavier in the winter. As a kid I was a big Canseco fan and even had his split screen 40/40 poster in my room. Now I would like the chance to beat him up. I have no background in fighting and have not been in a fight in many years but I'm confident I could take him. I co-edit a baseball site called Walkoff Walk and am positive both Jose and I could use the publicity."
- John Lackey, October 7, 2008:
"Oh, you whiny little mushroom head. I'm sure it hurts to lose. You're a competitive guy. Heck, I even complimented you the other night. I admit Pedroia can be kind of annoying to the opposition so I'll cut you a little slack there. But to flat out claim that you're a better team, but lost, well that's the oldest sore loser line in the book. It's not like this series went the distance. You took ONE GAME. You had two at home. You sir, are a tremendous imbecile, and if you'll oblige I'd like to fight you in public."
- Chris Volstad, Gaby Sanchez, and/or Jeffrey Loria, September 2, 2010:
"Hey Volstad, congratulations on being the first jar of Hellman's Mayonnaise to make it to the majors. I'm sure everyone back home at the mathematical center of America is very proud. If you threw at me twice in the same game I'd smoosh your head between two graham crackers like the giant marshmallow that it is. Nyjer Morgan's crime was trying to steal a base... down by 11. Is it Stupid Old Man Baseball Code Opposite Day? Not only is that so backwards that only a Marlins fan could agree with it, but you're also a huge wimp. It's easy to be the enforcer when it's 9 on 1. You can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll fight."
Now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure Loria is close to the top of our enemies list. Congrats to Jeff for the distinction of appearing in two posts during our final month!