Drew Fairservice: January 2009 Archives

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The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, Lloyd and Kris collaborate to look at players in the prime of life, born in 1983:

Edwin Jackson, SP: Born in Germany. Calls German Chocolate Cake "that dope ass cake I used to eat with the coconut back home all the time." Pitching career about to implode in Detroit.

Miguel Cabrera, 3B: Huge numbers, huge appetite, little tolerance for caffeine. Bounces off the walls like a goddamned firecracker after a half a can of Pepsi. Once hit a ball through a guy.

Edgar Gonzalez, RP:: Still enjoys getting a good piece of mail now and then. The letter is a lost art, ya know?

Chad Gaudin, RP: Can pitch in any situation... start, relief, closing. Not well. But he can do it.

Jose Reyes, SS: 6 tool player. Extra tool is allen wrench.

Jose Lopez, 2B: Had the best season of his career last year. Is having the next season of his career this year. Take that to the bank. And put it in a high yield CD.

Brandon League, RP: Family has the wicked easy time coming up with reunion themes. I bet you can think of 5 plays on the word "League" right now.

Gavin Floyd, SP: Drinks cologne.

Casey Kotchman, 1B: Only pickup line: "Casey Kotchman is a crotchman!" Didn't adjust so well to Atlanta. Hates peaches.

Joe Mauer, C: Unassuming star of stage, screen and backstop. Passed Prince as most popular guy in Minnesota 3 years ago and has never looked back.

Zack Greinke, SP: As crazy as he is talented, which is to say he's batshit insane. Which is also to say he's good at pitching. BONILLA projects him for 200 Ks and 6 good cries.

Matt Capps, RP: One of the NL's most effective relievers. One of it's worst xylophone players. He licks the keys and uses the mallet to test his knee reflexes.

J.P. Howell, RP: Failed in 3 seasons of limited action as a starter. Has excelled in the smaller role of set up man. This is the only thing he has in common with Charlie Sheen, negligible as a film star but surprisingly great on CBS sitcom, "Two & A Half Men."

Dana Eveland, SP: Middle name: Nosferatu. Describes genitals as "long, strong and full of boysenberry syrup."

Justin Verlander, SP: Former RoY had a tough 2008. Not as tough as Roy Scheider, but still no fun. We tell a lot of Roy jokes on this website. I need to diversify my portfolio.

Brandon McCarthy, SP Like your old roommate who spent 7 consecutive semesters saying that was the one where he'd graduate, this is finally supposed to be the year McCarthy stays healthy and produces. Likes to talk smack on message boards. Very unlikable. Or am I just saying that so he'll comment on this story?

Huston Street, RP: Possibly as crazy as Zack Grienke is talented.

Zach Duke, SP Gadzooks.

Kyle Davies, SP: Without a doubt, the lamest member of the Kinks, but the best athlete.

Cla Meredith, RP: Prett goo relieve who cam back t eart somewha afte tw stella season.

Ronny Cedeno, UTIL: Career OPS+ of 62. Stays in majors with uncanny hugging prowess.

Francisco Liriano, SP: 2009 AL Cy Young Award Winner. If that happens everyone has to buy Bobby Bonilla a Snickers. And us a car.

Edwin Encarnacion, 3B: "Edwin Encarnacion Instant Breakfast" is milk poured into his own hand and lapped out like a kitten.

Willy Aybar, UTIL:I believe the term for Willie Aybar's head is "nubby." The spanish Guy Fieri.

Edinson Volquez, SP: A 2008 Cy Young Candidate, was so good last season that Jon Daniels couldn't even call the Josh Hamilton trade a great success. Man the Rangers are lousy.

Ervin "Magic Carlos" Santana, SP:: Had career year in 2008, making up for the loss of Kelvim Escobar. Got violent diarrhea at my Bar Mitzvah even though he wasn't there and I'm not Jewish.

Hanley Ramirez, SS: Best all around player in baseball as long as you don't think fielding is part of baseball. For those of you who don't "habla espanol" El Nino is Spanish for... THE NINO.

Andy Marte, 3B: In light of being a weak-hitting infielder and a grown man named Andy, vows to keep the childish moniker until his age equals his career OPS+. Is far closer to Andres than any professional ballplayer should be.

Craig Hansen, RP: Mid season trade to the Pirates followed its natural progression: offseason pirating in the Gulf of Aden. Scored wicked cheap plasmas for his place on the Allegheny and his place in Outer Mogadishu.

Geovany Soto, C: Working closely with President Obama and Puerto Rican Governor Luis Fortuño to prevent an imbalance of catcher-based trade from the island to the mainland, in the interest of increased sovereignty and good will. Thinks Carlos Delgado is a total Commie.

Adam Lind, LF: The proud owner of the worst tattoo in baseball is proof you don't believe what happens in September or April. Carries the burden of Lloyd the Barber's hopes and dreams with him to the plate every AB.

Fausto Carmona, SP: Induces groundballs in the summer and child births in the winter. He's a trained and accredited midwife!

Cole Hamels, SP: Married a former Playmate yet still feels like, somehow, he's settling. Received a huge raise but remains underpaid.

Alberto Callaspo, 2B: Sweet like molasses.

Chris Young, CF: Unfortunately looks like the kind of player that will carry the "potential" tag forever. On the plus side, has a Magic Bullet in every room of his house.

Carlos Villanueva, SP: Envious of all the Manny Parra love around here, launches a Spanish language site on baseball and la condición humana. Initial surge of traffic quickly subsides when he replaces Lobster Baby with pictures of displaced Kurdish orphans.

Travis Ishikawa, 1B: Disappointing numbers at the big league level can be easily explained away: it wasn't actually Ishiwawa last year, but a heavily disguised Nathan Fillion researching a role.

Glen Perkins, SP: Considering skipping 2009 altogether, rather than face the inevitable crash back to Earth at speed.

Matt Garza, SP: The Gila Monster is the Rays pitcher most likely to match his 2008 output, mostly out of spite.

Stephen Drew, SS: Florida State Seminole hoodwinked somebody into shooting him a MVP vote. Anchors the worst defensive infield in baseball with pride.

Russell Martin, C: Unlike most Canadians that move to LA to pursue their dreams, Martin only has to worry about getting the late-afternoon sun in his eyes.

Dustin Pedroia, 2B: If he wins the MVP again, I'll buy you an autographed Steve Nash jersey.

Howie Kendrick, 2B: Called in three separate frog rain hoaxes during the 2008 season. Deathly afraid of the word tarpaulin.

Nick Markakis, RF: Awesome, Greek, and rich; just like his hero John Stamos.

Travis Buck, RF: Even the most modest projections point towards a down year for run production and follicle cultivation.

Hunter Pence, RF: Big & tools-ey, just how Ed Wade feels an ocean of guilt about likin 'em.

Andy LaRoche, 3b: Isn't nearly as good as his older brother nor is he as good as the Pirates thought when the traded for him. Heads up the clubhouse World of Warcraft guild, which keeps him in Nate McLouth's good books.

Mark Reynolds, 3B: The only Major League Baseball player to register 200 strikeouts in a single season. String of STIs proves overcompensation has a price.

Ryan Braun, LF: Is so fucking mad that Liakos got Ervin Santana to come to his Bar Mitzvah. Equally disappointed to learn CTC isn't really Jewish so he didn't have to memorize the Aliyah.

Andy Sonnanstine, SP: Somehow missed enough bats for a WHIP under 1.30 and a FIP under 4.00. Teammates are tired him repeatedly calling their wives "Topanga."

Kurt Suzuki, C: Won some Gilded Leather in 2008 and hit a bunch of clutch home runs. Working with Alan Moore on his first graphic novel Fighting Crime with Bazooki and the F-Hammer.

Ryan Rowland-Smith, SP: Left handed Australian begoggled baseball playing blogger. Offers hope that your little brother could be the backup full back for the Adelaide Crows.

Jacoby Ellsbury, OF: Skilled enough to ensure 2009 is the year that his achievements catch up to his fame.

Garrett Olson, SP: On the move again, this time to the Northwest. Has tremendous potential, based on the way he flew through the minors. Mostly because of his father's early flying carpet patent, but also his irrational fear of bus travel.

Brandon Moss, OF: The Pirates have so many multi-purpose outfielders, one of them is bound to make a splash this year. Brandon Moss hopes it's him, as he has incredible debts from an organ-harvesting business deal gone wrong.

Radhames Liz, SP: Baseball Reference page sponsored by fearshop.com, home to your favorite horror movie t shirts. Their latest and most terrifying shirt features Liz's WHIP in huge type.

Steven Pearce, RF: Sent me an e-card yesterday, stating he understood how hard it must be to come up with something interesting to say about Steven Pearce. He's a real prick, it turns out.

Joey Votto, 1B: Plans on leading the parade down Bloor Street after leading Canada to shock WBC title. Or just heading down Bloor in search of some solid Korean BBQ.

Jeff Clement, C: Many hopes and even a few dreams are pinned on Clement becoming the non-Japanese catcher of the future in Seattle. Spends his time away from the park looking at pictures of commenter Chief Wahoo's dog.

Lance Broadway, RP: Big part of the White Sox new policy to only employ 26 year old pitchers.

Luke Hochevar, SP: Promising member of the Royals promising rotation. Promised his mom he wouldn't mosh anymore after injuring himself at a Promise Ring/The Promise show in Denver.

Charlie Morton, SP: Swears up and down that Gary Cherone-era Van Halen is "the best shit they ever did." Loves recent Weezer as well.

Brett Gardner, CF: Scrappy little fourth outfielder for the Yankees, meaning his BR page gets more daily views than Jake Peavy and Ben Sheets combined.

Wes Bankston, 1B: Complied a wonderful 7.5 : 1 K to BB rate in limited time in 2008. Despite good power numbers in the minors, Billy Beane is expected to execute him at sundown on Opening Day.

Taylor Teagarden, C: The newest member of the Rangers Catching & Consonant Appreciation Society is everyone's sexy pick for ROY and ZOMG! awards in 2009. Punched out James Lipton on principal alone.

Clayton Richard, SP: Winning a starting job out of Spring Training will go a long way to moving up form the kid's table at the annual Former Michigan Backup Quarterbacks luncheon.

Chris Getz, 2B: With only 7 Major League plate appearances to his name, it may be time for Chris to follow his Uncle Leo into the lucrative world of ethnic comic relief.

Fernando Perez, OF: Figures to be the odd man out in Tampa's outfield and clubhouse chapel. Keeps getting mysterious love notes and gifts from a certain "Rob I" from New Jersey.

George Kottaras, C: Coaches spent his first few years in the minors trying to undo the numerous bad habits gained during a lifetime of baseball in Canada. The most egregious was telling people he was the Sox new "backcatcher."

Humberto Sanchez, RP: Will regret both his poor conditioning and lack of accuracy when Gary Sheffield comes to extract revenge on Sanchez for his role in Sheff's trade to Detroit.

bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections. Today we'll be looking at players facing their own terrible mortality as they roll over another decade: those born in 1979.

Rick Ankiel, CF: Slowly making the transition from America's Boyfriend to America's Arbitration Eligible Power Bat Available at the Trading Deadline.

Adrian Beltre, 3B: Spends hours with his sports psychologist each week, trying to live down the indignity of putting together a career season in a contract year.

Mark Buehrle, SP: Keeps his carbon imprint low by working so quickly on the mound. In true baseball player style, celebrates by purchasing this.

Michael Cuddyer, RF: Unabashed Patio Man vows to bounce back after slow 2008. His wife won't let him forgot that he burned two roasts and overcooked a rotisserie chicken.

Jack Cust, OF/DH: Three Outcome Redux. Reaching for the lofty heights of 40 home runs and 200 strike outs. Work out regimen includes lifting large kegs of beer in the morning, drinking them at night.

Adam Dunn, LF: Vehemently denied not enjoying baseball. Current unemployment indicates he's a man with a passion for maximized earnings who merely dabbles in baseball.

Jon Garland, SP: A casualty of the modern era. In previous decades, his ability to pick up cheap wins would have made him a mint. Instead, he turns down cut rate offers of more money than you'll ever see in your lifetime.

Jorge Julio, PR: Pitched for 6 teams over the last three years. Uses GPS to find the ballpark each day but intuition to find the plate. Advice: buy stock in GPS company and sell Jorge Julio baseball cards.

Brandon Lyon, RP: Erstwhile closer returned to Earth after unsustainable 2007. Unsuccessfully spent May 2008 trying to convince Chad Qualls that the Merovingian makes The Matrix Reloaded the most underrated movie of the decade.

Corey Patterson, CF: The road from "can't-miss prospect" to "underwhelming big leaguer" to "punchline eternal" is long, and hard is the way out of baseball.

Juan Rincon, RP: Entire career to date spent in Minnesota with the Twins. Unconsciously hums Prince songs while braiding his long, blond wig on Sundays. Doesn't get Fargo.

Luis Rivas, 2B: Is no longer on speaking terms with fellow Venezuelan and former teammate Juan Rincon. Staunch supporter of Hugo Chavez, refuses to understand Rincon's love of wigs and hatred of Gary Anderson.

Johan Santana, SP: Already dreading the thought of lugging the Mets carcass around all season long. Has 15 autographed pictures of Roy Halladay in his locker.

Juan Uribe, 2B: Signature bat flip and occasionally spectacular defense ensures that sometimes a completely forgettable ball player can sometimes piss you off in new, exciting ways.

Aaron Cook, SP: The least acey ace in baseball. First Rockies pitcher to spend entire career with the team and live to age 30. The team agreed to name the right field wall at Coors Field The Cliffs of Insanity in his honor.

Bill Hall, 3B: Hopes a solid bout of whining will arrest his career free-fall. Thinks Bernie Brewer is a punk that should show him some respect.

Coco Crisp, CF: Brings his brawling ways to the AL Central, plans on cold cocking Joe Mauer for nothing. Will undoubtedly by the most popular Kansas City Royal by the end of their season. Let's go with Memorial Day just to be safe.

Duaner Sanchez, RP: Karma doesn't live here anymore. I hope he uncorks a wild pitch that strikes Tony LaRussa in the skull.

Jeremy Affeldt, RP: Usually serves as the transportation coordinator at the annual LOOGY conference on Monterey Bay. Spends the first 6 innings of each game on the phone trying to locate right hand drive cars in the Greater Carmel area.

Erik Bedard, SP: Single handedly proved not all Canadians are hard working, polite, or rugged.

Carlos Silva, SP: Wanted by Interpol for grand, grand, grand larceny.

Jayson Werth, RF: Faces additional pressure and playing time after signing contract extension. Plans to lean heavily on his superfluous Y for support.

Khalil Greene, SS: Despite last year's struggles, is secretly awesome. Also, secretly Asian!

David DeJesus, CF: Physical embodiment of the well-worn sportswriter cliche solid. Writes John Turturro an angry letter on the first of every month.

Brandon Webb, SP: With a really crappy defense behind him, Webb seeks inner piece through yoga. Two tough losses later, he goes back to Bud Light and questioning Stephen Drew's sexuality.

Clint Barmes, SS/2B: Indiana State Sycamore lost his job to Troy Tulowitzki and his virginity to Toto's Africa. Regrets nothing.

Jose Valverde, RP: Both awesome and crazy, Valverde makes you crazy for his awesome. LOVES JESUS THIIIIIS MUCH <----------------------------------->

Garrett Atkins, 1B/3B: Puts up reasonable, inoffensive numbers while splitting time at the corners. Self loathing and guilt finds him cruising for offensive and disturbing things on seedy street corners.

Gerald Laird, C: Newest Detroit Tiger is excited to catch live arms like Verlander and Bonderman. Less than enthused about repeatedly running to the backstop to collect Dontrelle's assorted offerings.

Ryan Howard, 1B: If you made 1000 people guess his age, exactly zero would guess 30. The same 1000 people think Kelly Kapoor was better off with Darryl.

Chris Young, SP: Extremely tall and pragmatic. Opted to become an severe fly ball pitcher, reasoning that grounders were just too hard to reach. Cartoonish height caused this strategy to backfire.

Jason Bartlett, SS: Received votes for both MVP and Sultan of Brunei. Is equally qualified for these positions.

Josh Willingham, LF: Another member of the Florida Marlins Free Swingin Tater Tot Cheap Labor Dance Pack. Would have signed an extension this off season but for his bumbling agent. His specialty is magicians.

David Bush, SP: Uses high socks and rocky motion to distract from his vector-straight fastball. Isn't fooling anyone.

Gabe Gross, OF: Strict religious upbringing denied him the knowledge of decadent things like chocolate and high rise buildings. Is bound and determined to prove, once and for all, he isn't a big league talent.

Brad Hawpe, RF: Inclusion on American WBC team will expose him to scores of new fans. Not one will pronounce his name properly.

Jeremy Guthrie, SP: Would have a much better record if he pitched for a better team and if he was a better pitcher.

Kevin Youkilis, 1B: Excels at getting on base and provoking rancor. Hopes to cut down strike outs by being more selective at the plate and less pervy around the BC commuter girls.

Adam LaRoche, 1B: Continued childhood tradition of abusing younger brother and teammate Andy. Often mimics Andy's voice, professing his love for Jack Wilson rather than calling for shallow pop ups.

Ryan Theriot, SS: Scrappy. Gritty. White. Vastly overrated. The Riot has all the tools required to become a beloved baseball player the world over.

Ryan Spilborghs, OF: The kind of platoon outfielder only a mother could love and only a management team under his employ would sponsor his BR page.

Clay Hensley, RP: Biggest regret: not following Jars of Clay around the Midwest in a Honda Accord the summer after high school. Being a professional baseball player with 7 figure career earnings offers little solace.

Wandy Rodriguez, SP: Ostracized in the clubhouse for his controversial views on human evolution with regard to dolphins. People got sick of his Chicken of the Sea/Solient Green diatribe after a while.

Carlos Ruiz, C: 4 Home runs, .660 OPS. Aiming high in 2009!

Akinori Iwamura, 2B: Quite enjoys life in Tampa Bay thanks to ample fresh seafood and Catholic school just down the street from his condo.

Rocky Cherry, RP: Is not actually a professional baseball player. Best known for his raucous one man pansexual revue, seen 8 times weekly at The Open Door in Chelsea.

Brad Ziegler, RP: Would be best known for impressive rookie scoreless innings record were anyone impressed by a 29 year old rookie. Little known fact: isn't related to former NHL commissioner John Ziegler.

bonilla2009.jpg

The last thing the baseballblogosphere needs is another cleverly-named projection system for players. And that's exactly why we at Walkoff Walk decided to add our collective voice to the statistical noise: we're just a bunch of jerks. Introducing the first-ever player projection forecasting system that dispenses with the OBPs and the FIPs, instead deciding to group every single player by age and write something mildly interesting about them. We call it BONILLA, or Based On Nothing Interesting, Let's Look At Age.

Click here to check out all the BONILLA age projections.

Today, in no particular order, we look at the fightin' 81s:

Carlos Zambrano, SP: Looking for the rare pitcher's Triple Crown in 2009: leading the league in no-hitters, home runs and gloves eaten.

Jake Peavy, SP: The subject of numerous trade rumours all winter long, Peavy decides to make a few trades himself. Exchanges cheekful of chaw for corn cob pipe.

Carl Crawford, LF: Alarmed by high numbers of fans attending early season games, Carl will tragically injure his hamstring running from the catcalls and hoots of these uninitiated fanatics.

Oliver Perez, SP: No matter how depressed the market becomes; Oliver Perez will somehow manage to be vastly overpaid.

Rocco Baldelli, OF: Re-cures polio, breaks team record for tickets requested. Ties team record for "number of first name only chants for Sox player wearing number 5"

Doug Waechter, RP: Double Vowel Pitcher Power!! Uses the power of the digraph to keep both public address announcers and batters in knots during his mop up appearances.

Rich Harden, SP: The long Canadian winters left his bones brittle and weak; resulting in shovel-related injuries in his youth and fantasy baseball related insults into adulthood.

Justin Morneau, 1B: The long Canadian winters left his bones strong and robust; resulting in many MVP-related tears and strong beer-related conquests from coast to coast.

Daniel Cabrera, SP: Switch to Nats keeps him around the Capital area. Will often be late for starts due to circling the beltway; foolishly shook off his GPS and missed his exit.

Jorge De La Rosa, SP: What can I say about Jorge De La Rosa that hasn't already been said about a dozen other fringe rotation shitballers? This one's from Mexico!

WIlly Taveras, CF: Will post career high in at bats and new career low in on base percentage. Gains notoriety after appearing on baseball blog's newest derisive t-shirt.

Curtis Granderson, CF: He's bloggy and tripley, and will represent his country in the WBC. Little known fact: he won the Cook County Tree Climbing Championships three years running.

Ian Snell, SP: The de facto ace in Pittsburgh, which is akin to being the finest bullfighter in all of Laos. If the 1.50 career WHIP don't get ya then the crooked hat will.

Wilson Betemit, UTL: Gives new meaning to the terms "utility infielder" and "how in God's name did this guy end up on the Yankees?"

John Maine, SP: Will lead the league in "number of white dudes from Long Island that quote Method Man lyrics after every utterance of his name."

Joey Gathright, OF: After posting a slugging percentage of .272 in 2008, petitioned the league to count each car jumped as 3 total bases.

David Aardsma, RP: Double Vowel Pitcher Power!! First alphabetically in baseball history, but towards the back half of the middle in our hearts.

Jeremy Reed, CF: Speedy gloveman moves into Endy Chavez's much loved niche. Isn't actually much a gloveman.

Jeff Francis, SP: Willowy Canadian reacted to Tim Lincecom breaking his "most times ID'd on the road" record with a terrible down year. Hopes to rebound with off season conditioning and botox.

Alex Rios, RF: Having fully recovered from his staph infection in 2007, hopes to avoid missing major time in 2009 after contracting Legionnaire's Disease while playing winterball.

Shaun Marcum, SP: Receiving preseason Cy Young buzz from all writers that left Ricky Henderson off their Hall of Fame ballots. Will miss 2009 after Tommy John surgery.

Chris Duncan, OF: With goony and goonish brother Shelly on his way out of baseball, Chris can relax and focus on recovering from potential career-ending neck injury.

Anthony Reyes, SP: Uses striped sock and stirrup combo to distract from his terrible, terrible, pitching.

Ryan Garko, 1B: The Voltron of baseball players. Instead of being made up of smaller robots, is comprised of the kids from TLC's Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Nate McLouth, CF: Walking tall after career season, McLouth irks some teammates by wearing his Gold Glove into the field. Team brass notice no difference in his run prevention.

Adam Wainwright, SP: Soft spoken Southern gentleman best known for nasty, Beltran-embarrassing curveball. Team opts keep him far from Chris Carpenter to prevent similarly tragic career arc.

Hong-Chih Kuo, RP: Political situation in Taiwan caused Kuo some concern, but recent emails from home indicate EVERYTHING IS FINE, CONTINUE SENDING MONEY TO YOUR RELATIVES AND/OR LOVED ONES.

Jeff Baker, UTL: A favorite of bloggers everywhere, his uncompromising tone rubs many readers the wrong way. Faced much discrimination from Bob Feller due to West German heritage.

Kevin Kouzmanoff, 3B: Poised for breakout season after participating in high level SPECTRE training program. Expect 30 home runs, 100 RBI and one attempt to frame David Wright in a sex scandal.

Boof Bonser, SP: Proudly carrying on Twins tradition of Livan Hernandez, Carlos Silva, and Sidney Ponson of overweight, replacement-level pitchers who bafflingly continue to draw a paycheck.

Josh Hamilton, OF/DH: After watching Josh's personal babysitter throw BP to kids from local outreach program, the Rangers move him into the rotation and sign him to a big contract.

Joel Hanrahan, RP: In the hunt for closer's role in DC. Despite what you may have heard, his wife is not now, nor has she ever been a lesbian.

Phil Dumatrait, P: Move from rotation to spot-starter and subsequent pay cut means working occasionally at local drycleaner. Business card now reads "Spot Starter and Stain Spotter"