8:05: Hey guys, sorry I'm late. I forgot I had to do this because I'm too cool. They're announcing the AL side. There's 36 Red Sox on this year's team and they're all American Heroes.
8:07: When I turned the game on Willie Banks was giving a pep talk. He didn't really sound like he'd prepared at all. No wonder that guy never won a World Series.
8:10: Anyone have any predictions for tonight? I'm predict that it ends in a walkoff walk and while everyone looks all disappointed with the anti-climactic ending, Iracane storms the field jumping up and down, pointing at the Jumbotron and screaming "PLAY THE SHRIMP! PLAY THE GODDAMNED SHRIMP!"
8:12: Carlton, Eck, Rapid Robert Feller, Rollie, Fergie, Gibson, Marichal, Phil Neikro, Palmer, GAYLORD Perry, Robin Robers, Sutter, Sutton, Goose and Whitey. All lined up on the infield. Pretty solid but, WHERE'S PASCUAL PEREZ
8:16: Wow, more legends. Carew, Mazeroski, Ryno, Willie McCovey, Orlando Cepeda... and Kevin Youkilis. Never in a million years did I think he'd develop into an all-star. Hey! Brooks Robinson, Mike Schmidt, George Brett, Wade Boggs, Wade Boggs's mortifying new hair... Chipper and A-Rod. Oh I see how this is working now. Synergy is delicious.
8:18: Aparicio, The Wizard, Yount, Banks and Ripken... Hanley Ramirez and Derek Jeter. Rob is probably crying like a asthmatic 6 year old.
8:20: Molitor greets Pujols and Bradley. I predict an All-Star Tater Tot from Milton. In left we have Brock, Billy Williams and the criminally underrated Ralph Kiner. Joined by Braun and Manny. I had a dream last night that Manny cut his hair. I looked it up and it means I watch too much baseball. In center it's The Say Hey Kid. He should have been commissioner at some point. Fukudome and
Hamilton join him.
8:22 In right it's Hank Aaron, Dave Winfield, Reggie and the criminally overweight Tony Gwynn. Joining them are Holiday and Suzuki. I'm willing to overlook how long this is taking because it's so cool. EARL WEAVER! Tommy Lasorda (looks lousy) and Dick Williams. Lee MacPhail representing Hall Of Fame front office executives. Ok, fine. And finally it's Clint Hurdle and Terry Francona. MAKE IT FIVE IN A ROW TERRY. Now it's Geovany Soto and Joe Mauer come out. Oh hey Gary Carter's here. Worst HoFer ever. And Yogi Berra. What, they couldn't invite Ray Fosse? He loves these things.
8:27: Phew. Commercial break. Mavis Beacon
would be proud of me.
8:30: Anthem time. At this point I often forget that Sheryl Crow is actually an artist. I feel like she's a company. But she sounds nice. And she's playing live guitar, that's always appreciated.
8:33: George Steinbrenner is delivering the balls by golf cart. He appears to be crying. Someone must have just told him that they could have had Johan for Hughes and Kennedy. But anyway, it's nice to see him. I kinda figured he was in worse shape than he appears. Good on ya, George.
8:37: "You need a physics professor. LUCKILY I AM ONE." Who is this clown? Worst commercial hair since Ron Popeil.
8:39: "Blimp" >>>> "Direct TV HD Starship"
8:42: With all the praise being lavished on Yankee Stadium tonight, never forget it kinda smells
8:44: Hey look at that. Pacey and Lt. Daniels in the same show. I've been waiting for that pairing. It's about time.
8:46 And here's Cliff Lee. We like him here at WoW. We talk about him a lot. I'm happy with his selection... and McCarver actually makes a salient point in rehashing the trade that Shapiro made to get him. You know, the last good move Shapiro ever made.
8:48: Lee starts off the game with a 2Ks of Ramirez and Chutley. Since everyone is at home watching this I won't be rehashing each play, but I think the leadofs Ks are neat. It must be humid in New York. Berkman's terrible harcut is curling up around his helmet in the on deck circle.
8:51: Berkman flies out. Good first inning for Lee. It wasn't this
but it was good. It's just a shame Pedro fell into the Tomb Of The Mummy Emperor.
8:53: Who's got an IPhone? How does my picture look on it? Do I look heavy?
8:54: "Derek Jeter has done nothing but win since he got to the majors," says Buck. Yeah... except lose sometimes. But those two things. Those are the only things he's done. Win or lose. No ties. Oh wait. Except for that one ASG. So win, lose and tie. That's all he's done since he got here.
8:56: Bahhhhaha... Jeter's slow rope takes a bad hop and hits Utley in his face. THAT'S USIN' YOUR FACE! Did I do that right? SB by Jeter.
8:58: Hamilton struck out, but less people are probably watching this than the Derby so he's cool. Rodriguez pops up weakly behind the plate. Soto maked the catch than slips on a banana peel.
9:02: Pujos has a "great batting eye." He'd probably be even better if he just kept em open. He grounds out to third.
9:04: Chipper lines one up the middle. Matt Holiday grounds out two feet in front of the plate and with two outs, it's up to one of your 2008 All Star Jewish Dudes, Ryan Braun. Aaaand he strikes out. Hey was that story about Cliff Lee's workout regimen the second time we've heard about people working out their cores? If I wanted to hear about that crap I'd watch my Tae bo videos I MEAN MY SISTER'S TAE BO VIDEOS.
9:08: Oh shit. Michael Jordan dumped Kevin Bacon for Charlie Sheen. Is that an upgrade? I honestly can't decide.
9:09: Ben "Navy" Sheets
comes out to start the second. Manny leads off for the AL. 3 of the next 5 batters are Red Socksers.
9:13: Sheets walks Bradley and Joe Buck is just plain making stuff up. There's no way a torn ACL takes 12 months of recovery. That's fabricated. If you want to know more, WoW resident physician Dr. Rock will tell you more in the comments.
9:16: After a Bradley stolen base, Youk's strikeout syncs up perfectly with a savory enchilada and High Life burp. That's hot and tasty.
9:18: Sheets walks Mauer. His pitch count is getting All Star Game high and you gotta think no matter the outcome, Pedroia is his final batter.
9:21: Pedroia flew out, and both starters turn in a healthy two innings of work. The last two games have seen a combined 14 runs. We could be in for another low scoring one tonight. Oh hey it's Yogi. HE'S SO FUNNY WHEN HE TALKS STUPID.
9:26: Fukudome and Soto both make outs. Yogi has 10 world titles but he looks like Abe Vigoda's older brother. You can't have everything, I guess. Back to the top of the order, and Hanley gets a line drive. Yogi just called Joe Buck "Jack." Yeah, Yogs... we wish.
9:29: Utley grounds out. End of 2 1/2. Hey, Blackberry has Facebook on it! So now you can monitor your ex 24/7 and she'll never feel safe!
9:33: Jeter grounds into a "tailor made double play" which is one of my favorite old school baseball phrase. Wheee Josh Hamilton regrets all 26 of his tattoos! Too bad, homey. I wonder if he ever tried to scratch em off while he was all spun out on meth.
9:37: So Saunders is out, and as mentioned below, that's probably the only All Star inning he'll ever pitch. Glad it was successful. Halladay is in now and truth be told I'd be happy watching him pitch the rest of the night. He strikes out Fat Pumastewart.
9:40: Pooj reaches out, goes the other way with one off the RF wall, Ichiro rockets one back in to beat him at second. Some other guy grounds out to Jeter and the inning is over. I'm glad this game is moving quickly since it's almost midnight.
9:41: This NCAA commercial with Bub Rubb? Well that's just good. WHOO WHOO!
9:44: Zambrano just made Rodriguez look cold stupid. Those are two lousy at bats for him. No one should have told him this counted. Whee Zambrano threw a mini-eephus over Manny's head! I love Spanish people.
9:46: Tim McCarver just accused the batting average numbers of being falsified. Ken Tremendous is already at his computer. Joe Buck's kid turns 9 today and is probably stoked that Dad isn't at her party trying to look cool and embarassing her in front of her friends by talking about the Jonas Brothers. Throwing error on Hanley. Milton Bradley safe at first. Then out at first after being picked off.
9:48: What's the consensus on Pineapple Express. Are we sick of Seth Rogan yet? HIGH LIFE COMMERCIAL.
9:52: Ervin "Magic Carlos" Santana comes in for the AL. I see Grady Sizemore in CF there too. Changes and stuff. McCarver called the Angels a "thoroughly professional outfit." The LA Angels: Baseball's Pantsuit. Joe Buck said "all the do is win" again, which is really starting to piss me off.
9:53 Matt Holiday Ding Dong! 1-0 NL
9:56: A-Rod gets pulled mid inning for Joe Crede. Apparently that was so the Yankee Stadium crown could cheer Rodriguez... but uh... no one did.
9:57: Here's what I said about All-Star Joe Crede in the preseason: "Josh Fields looks to have his breakout season... if he can take third base from Joe Crede. I believe Crede reported to camp in a wheelchair that he powers by blowing on a straw." Oops! Santana strikes out Fuckudome and Soto and the inning is over.
10:00: I WANT YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY AND IT'S LUH. IT'S LUH. IT'S LALALALA, IT'S LUH.
10:02: It's Danny Haren time now, and he looks like an extra from Pineapple Express. He gets in the way of a probable out, but that's all instinct. Mauer gets to first and Kinsler is his pinch runner.
10:07: Ichiro strikes out. I can't believe that's how the 2001 MVP would come through in the clutch.
10:10: Jeter grounds out lightly and poilitely to end the rally. BRB i need an ice cream.
10:16: Duscherererer hangs one to Hanley and is lucky he only lined it into right for a single. Utley fouls it off and there's "a good play made my a fan." Steinbrenner caught it in his bib I bet.
10:18 First and third with no one out after a successful hit and run by Ramutley. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET A'S PLAY.
10:22: First at game dispatch from Rob: "There is something called the Aquafina Sports Magic Team and they throw tshirts to the crowd between innings. This one guy has a bat on his head and it looks like a dildo." Walkoff Walk. Your source for All Star news!Puji singles and Chipper K's.
10:24: So Duscherererer limits the damage. But after the sac fly it's 2-0 NL
and homefield is slipping away from the AL here people. Slip. Ping. Away.
10:27: Uggla in for Utley U Unclefucker. Hamilton hits the first pitch for a single. Thank god his at bats are short so Buck can't rehash the.... SHUT UP MAN SHUT UP, CREDE IS UP NOW. SHUT IT. SHUT YOUR BUCKHOLE.
10:31: Hamilton takes off before the crack of the mitt. He takes a freebase. Man that guy has speed.
10:32: I really don't want to see Varitek bat. Sizemore strikes out looking on a pin straight knee high fastball. GAH Milton flies out to center. I wanted that one for him. It's still 2-0 after 6 and if anyone is still reading this, thank you.
10:36: Somehow I knew this dipshit from Sharp was going to be the most played commercial of the night. Take your founding father hairdo and get the hell out of my low definition television.
10:40: Joe Nathan gets Braun, McLouth and Martin out quicker than I can get a can of Duff. Hey it's Josh Groban. He's too scruffy for opera. Or whatever the hell it is you call what he sings. We need our own 7th inning stretch song. Quick to the youtubes!
10:47: Edinson Volquez comes in to pitch to your Derby winner, Justin Morneau. Dubble bubble! Wait. What did McCarver just call the "pitch of the islands?"
10:50: Kinsler grounds out but Morneau goes to third. Ok so the changeup is the "pitch of the islands." McCarver read it in "The Wall Street Journal of all places." Does he say that because he didn't think he'd read it there or because he usually only reads Highlights?
10:51: Nasty, nasty fastball by Volquez for the K on Navarro. Florida State Seminole JD Drew will be charged with trying to get some runs on the board. He's cool, I dont care what people from Philly say. About anything, but especially this. TWO RUN DING DONG JD DREW! EAT IT PHILADELPHIA. GO NOLES.
10:59: Shut up, New York. Please. Everyone is on Papelbon because of today's ridiculous New York Daily News backpage. He gives up a single. Ugh. This is annoying.
11:03: So Tejada advances to third on the throwing error on his attempted SB. Then a sac fly from Adrian Gonzalez puts the NL ahead. THE JAMOOKS ARE RIGHT, PAPELBON IS OVERRATED. He Ks David Wright to end the inning. TAKE THAT JAMOOKS.
11:06: More updates from Iracane: "THE REAL VILLAGE PEOPLE ARE HERE FOR YMCA EXCEPT THE ONE THAT DIED FROM AIDS."
11:08: Brian Wilson is in for the NL to protect their 3-2
lead. Josh Hamilton just heard Aquafina's slogan, "Make Your Body Happy" and snorted 6 oz of it.
11:12: Carlos Guillen makes like your sister and "chases a high hard one." 2 down. Oh my god, Clint Hurdle just pulled Wilson out for Billy Wagner. C'mon Clint. Are you trying to keep me from going to bed. Oh good, new Taco Bell rapping. I've been dying for some.
11:16: Sheesh. Sizemore rips a single to right. I hate you Blint Wagurdle.
11:20: Every single person in America watching this game figured that would happen if Hurdle brought Wagner in. Every one. Forget the fact that he never should have made the team, what the hell is Hurdle thinking there. You all know there's no way in hell I'm doing this past midnight right? After 8 it's 3-3
. Nice jorts, John Cena.
11:27: Frankie Rodriguez pitches to two batters. Walks Aramis Ramirez, gets Corey Hart to fly out. Here comes Rivera. Oh yaaaay! You happy now, knuckle draggers? GO AWAY SHARP TV GUY. I was just told he looks like Jessica Tandy. That's pretty spot on.
11:30 Ryan Ludwick has no chance against Rivera.
11:32: Strike em out, throw em out. End of half inning. Please score AL. Please score. 3 all
going into the bottom of the 9.
11:40: Well there's two down. JD is up. If he hits a tater tot that would be the greatest thing ever but the baseball gods don't like me that much. They want me to blog till midnight, quit and miss the most dramatic ending ever.
11:45: OH YEAH JOE IT'S THE FUCKING STADIUM. THAT'S WHY THERE'S EXTRAS. NOT BECAUSE CLINT HURDLE IS A MORON. IT'S THE FUCKING BUILDING'S
11:47: McLouth strikes out like an idiot.
11:48 And another thing. If you can't pitch in the All Star Game then don't come to the goddamned All Star Game. Give the spot to someone who can pitch and stop putting your team at a disadvantage. I mean, this time it counts you guys.
11:52: Hit and run works to perfection. Clint Hurdle must have been asleep and one of his assistants called it. Or maybe he scratched his nose and accidentally gave the signal. Either way he's too daft to come up with that on his own. Runners on first and third.
11:54: DAMN YOU UGGLA. Double play.
11:58: Oh and now after Wright gets on the ball goes through Uggla's leg. On a Carlos Quentin single, Wright advances to third with no outs. Let's not get ridiculous and make Dan Uggla a scapegoat here people. It's still the same All Star Game that most people profess not to care about in the first place.
12:03: On two consecutive chances with the bases loaded, we have two straight groundouts from Sizemore and that last guy. I am woozy and my internet is starting to act up. WALK HIM COOK. JUST DO IT.
12:04: Christ, what a play by Tejada. That's impressive. That gave me a second wind. Let's play 20.
12:10: Sorry I got some Gatorade. Cristian Guzman has 126 hits? That's 88% of the Nationals' total. He flies out, 2 down. WE DONT DIE WE MULTIPLY. Yes, that's a non sequitur Bebe's Kids quote. Joe Buck just suggested a dance off. God, Dad your'e such a dork. That guy just flew out. We go to bottom 11.
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