Kris Liakos: November 2009 Archives

People Just Like Saying "Kenesaw Mountain Landis"

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old bike.jpg

While you were wiping stuffing crumbs off of your lap and onto the living room floor this weekend, Bud Selig reminded us all what he told us over the summer. That he's retiring at the end of the 2012 season. Yes, in just two short years after Hanley Ramirez, Albert Pujols, Brett Favre and Felix Hernandez lead the Yankees to another title, baseball will be ushering its first new leader in 20 years. Even though he's going to be 78 when the day rolls around, Selig says his retirement isn't about being tired, it's about doing other stuff. Sounds like someone's been watching a lot of About Schmidt lately.

"This time I think everybody has the same understanding -- this time I'm done. I really am. I want to start writing a book. I don't have time while I'm doing this job, but I need to do that. I want to do some teaching. I did a little this past winter and I have some wonderful offers. God willing, on Dec. 31, 2012, you'll be saying goodbye to me."

That last sentence makes me think that Bud has been dabbling in the teachings of famed Mayan leader, John Cusack. And as far as writing goes, Bud should have started a blog a couple years ago, when publishers were giving any moron on the internet book deals . As it stands now, dude is gonna be 80 when that thing is finished. It's gonna ramble on for 3,000 pages, half of which will be about the weather. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that I don't care, and like anyone who follows baseball, I can't imagine a scenario where the next guy does anything but act as a Selig-style "caretaker" who's job is mainly to ensure profits and not screw up too badly. It's pretty much worked for 20 years now.

But that isn't enough for some people. Mike Silva of New York Baseball Digest wants baseball to reanimate the corpse of Kenesaw Landis and have that dude run things. Sure, he was a virulent racist and called "Baseball's Tyrant" by the press (catchy). That's not the stuff that Silva likes about him. He just thinks "baseball needs a leader that is proactive versus reactive," and that Selig "came across as a waffling politician." Silva must have really loved 2000-2008.

One of the very worst pieces I've ever written for this site was about trying to predict the next commissioner. It was bad because, I don't really care who's commissioner. And it's this kind of moronic analysis from Silva that makes me double back and do the opposite of what it's supposed to. While we've never been big fans of Bud around here, a call for some sort of Morgan Freeman in Lean on Me tough guy to step in and do... well what he's supposed to do besides be decisive isn't exactly clear... makes me think that I'd be just fine with another two decades of someone whose main job is to make sure the sport doesn't implode. Baseball doesn't need a hero; it just needs a gardener.

Thanksgiving Questions

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Hey kids, it takes more than a wishbone.

  • WILL the Cardinals ever have an introductory press conference for hitting coach Mark McGwire? When the hire was announced I had no idea why the team would want to invite such a ridiculous media frenzy upon themselves. It appears they might be feeling the same way.

  • WHO'S excited for the Mets' new uniforms? Their opponents! New look, same gimpy losers.

  • WILL Angels fans miss Rex Hudler in the broadcast booth? He and play-by-play guy Steve Physioc were dumped by Fox Sports. Former Cy Young winner and amiable surfer dude Mark Gubicza will take over for Hudler, a trade that is almost as one sided now as it would have been during their playing days.

  • ARE Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau the bosomiest buddies in all of baseball?

  • AND is it possible in this baseball day and age that friendship could be the key to a top tier player resigning with his hometown team? No way. But it's nice how Joe Christensen (one of our favorite newspaper guys) gets all caught up in the good vibes of the holiday season.

  • HOW hard will Rinku and Dinesh be training this offseason back in the village?

  • DID you know there is a new version of Let's Make A Deal? It's hosted by Wayne Brady and has the same cheesy music and everyone in the audience is dressed up like an idiot. I just saw 3 minutes of it. Amusing.

  • DO you crave graphs after downing your Turkey Day feast? Well get ready to smother some interesting data in gravy, because our friends to the North don't get time off this week. Thanks, Drew!

That up there is Arlo doing Alice's Restaurant. Listening to that fine tune on Thanksgiving is a tradition of many across this land, so we might as well make it one here too. Remember there is still time to donate to your local food bank if you haven't already.

Have a good long weekend. We'll see you back here on Monday. Happy Thanksgiving.

Bat Attack Roundup: Friday, November 20, 2009

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There are days when you find yourself lying on a Pacific Ocean Beach letting the waves sing you to sleep. There are days when you're surrounded by friends, family and multitudes of other loved ones, and the affection warms you like a fleece blanket. There are other days when some crazy bastard is going to swing at you with a baseball bat.

In those first two instances you should savor each moment to the fullest. In the third scenario, you should duck.

On to this week's non-fatal/non-critical bat attacks!

  • Our first story takes place outside Seattle's famous Pike Place Fish Market. You know it as the place where the employees throw salmon at each other mere blocks from where that one real world guy slapped that one real world dame with the fro. So obvs the place is no stranger to violence, but don't you think if someone was gonna get their bell rung it'd get rung it'd be with a fish? No dice. This week a guy got chopped back to the mound. But did he roll over and play dead like Irene did? No way, "After being hit with the bat, one suspect tried to steal his cell phone, but the man kicked the robber in the face." Solid.

  • Nothing can come between two men like a financial dispute. Money is the crowbar that tears people from each other. Whether the amount be $50 or even $100, consequences can be serious. So imagine when the amount is $27,000 and you don't wanna pay it back. That's when you get driven deep to cheap seats by a fellow member of the Bridgeport, CT hispanic community. But take comfort in the fact that the news item will take no interest in why there was a $27,000 personal loan at stake.

  • A miracle was averted when Richie Sambora discovered two fans on his roof weren't burglars and decided not to kill them. Tragedy struck when he returned to bed and no one had fallen off the roof. MAKE THE VIDEO ROB.

  • And finally, it's time to dispense with the humour. It's time to get to down to business. You may notice the gratuitous use of the letter u when I just spelled humor. Well that's because Graeme Lloyd's Heathen Foot Soldiers have struck again Down Under. And as if that wasn't bad enough, it looks like they're hooked on bathtub speed. Two kids in Brisbane, one armed with a bat and one armed with A SWORD, have been holding up pharmacies and stealing the Sudafed. I got my eye on you, Dave Nilsson Jr.

The Walkoff Walk 2009 Thievin' Creampuff Awards

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I understand the following is sort of arbitrary and doesn't mean that much. OR DOES IT????

I took the top 50 position player salaries for 2009 and then I divided them by games played. It's one thing to get injured alot. It's an entirely nother thing to be a dole ridin' Puff who sits at home eating bon bons while your brothers take on the Diamondbacks.

Follow me after the jump as we single out 2009's Paper Tiger.

Bat Attack Roundup: Friday November 13, 2009

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Boy it's sure been a long time since we did a Bat Attack Roundup. Since these things were instituted in the hopes of keeping our readers safe, I guess that means we just don't care about you that much any more. I kid!

But, what better time to bring it back than Free For All Friday? To recap, these are recent crimes committed by people wielding baseball bats. Dozens of these occur each week, but I leave out the ones where people die or are in critical condition. As always information leading to the arrest of Dark Llord Graeme Lloyd will be rewarded. And awaaaaaaaay we gooooo!

  • A Terre Haute, IN man described as a "habitual traffic offender" (do they make a patch for that?) breaks into a woman's home then takes a few cuts at The Fuzz before trying to flee the scene on a bicycle. At least he's not breaking traffic laws anymore!

  • In Thurston County, WA an afternoon friendly was disrupted when a bunch of dudes with baseball bats chased another dude across the pitch. Hey, you're not supposed to use your hands! According to the article: "A deputy with gang expertise is investigating whether the beating might have been gang-related." YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO USE EVERY DROP OF THAT EXPERTISE ON THIS ONE, BARNEY FIFE.

  • In England, some poor chap was just taking a stroll when a couple of lads sidled up to him in broad daylight and hit him in the stomach with a bat. I didn't even know they had bats over there. They took nary a schilling from him and he seems to be doing okay. But the best part of the story is that the ne'er do wells approached him with one man on a motorcycle and the other in a Ford Fiesta!

  • And finally, in Gloucester, VA a man got a Halloween surprise when he opened his door for some trick treaters... and was promptly maced and pulled sharply down the left field line. The man, Nathan "Family" Matter struggled with the attacker, who was dressed as Michael Myers, but they got away. The next day, police identified and arrested the perpetrator. It was his ex girlfriend, Angela Hart, who he had broken up with just a week before. Here's the essential video, in which Nate is covering his busted melon with a Yankees cap. Been a rollercoaster couple of weeks for this guy.