Recently in What's Up, Creampuff? Category

I only call you a creampuff because you're acting like one.

• Adam Loewen, Orioles: The stress fracture in Lowen's left elbow that led to last season's surgery has returned. That must be a lousy feeling. He's only been off the DL for one month after his recovery from that one. Tough to poke fun at this one.


• Bobby Jenks, White Sox: Jenks hit the DL this week with Bursitis. I already made a joke yesterday about Bursitis being for old people, so today I'm going to joke that it sounds like the name of a lemon-lime soda.


• Aaron Harang, Reds: Rob already made the joke yesterday that Dusty Baker murdered Aaron Harang's dead arm so today I'll just say that it sounds like a lemon-lime soda. What? He hasn't even had the MRI yet and is already heading to the DL so that's uh.. . not good.


• Mike Napoli, Angels: Napoli is the latest victim of baseball's serial shoulder arsonist. This man must be brought to justice. One second you're a terribly weekend hitting catcher minding your own business, the next your shoulder is in flames. Tragic.


• Moises Alou, Mets: When ballplayers play for a long time you hear people refer to them as "ageless." You certainly can't say that for Moises. He's had enough injuries to actually appear older than he is. This time it's a torn hamstring and this could be the end of his career. Unless he pisses on it.


• Mark Mulder, Cardinals: Blink and you would have missed Mulder's return to the St. Louis rotation. His shoulder exploded or something and htis could be a disappointing end to a once solid career. Man today's injuries are kind of depressing, aren't they?


• Vernon Wells, Dustin McGowan, Blue Jays: Vernon has a grade 2 hamstring pull which puts him out for 4-6 weeks. You can't say Wells isn't consistent. This is right in line with his history of one good year, one crappy year, one good year, one crappy year. McGowan is also looking at 4 weeks away but luckily for him and the Jays he won't need surgery on his rotator cuff.


• Wes Helms, Marlins: Raped by a wallaby.

As we approach this 4th Of July weekend, not only do we look back on that day in 1976 when Baby Jesus was born and visited America, bringing popcorn to the Indians, we also reflect on those less fortunate then us. People like those listed below, who are such injury riddled invalids that they can't lick a stamp without getting hurt.

• Magglio Ordonez, Tigers: The Big Tilde is on the DL for the forseeable future. In fact, El Permo will come back and play when he's damn well ready. I think that's fair. Pulled right obliques don't heal on their own you know. Actually, yeah I guess they do. Whatever.


• Hideki Matsui, Yankees: Matsui, a man I've always feared the most when coming to bat against my team, is "hobbled" by a left knee injury. There's swelling and all kinds of other nasty stuff. Talk from the trainers is cautiously optimistic. Even worse, is that this is a different knee than Matsui had surgery on in the offseason. Even worsest, he's tried rubbing dirty panties on it and it's not helping.


• Troy Percival, Rays: One of the dangers of having an elderly closer is that things just start spontaneously straining, snapping and disintegrating. On Percival this week it was the hamstring. Contrary to most soundbites in these situations Percival says he's fighting "an uphill battle" and things aren't getting much better. Sounds like my job too.


• Chris Snyder, Diamondbacks: GAAH! TESTICLE FRACTURE! Move on, move on, next guy, next guy....
  
  
• Rafael Furcal, Dodgers: Back surgery always sounds serious to me. Optimistic looks like 2 months, reality looks like season ending. That's a tough one as he was one of the offensive bright spots for this team early in the season. I saw a cartoon in the New Yorker last week where a doc says to a patient, "Well the good news is that the surgery will cure your back pain, the bad news is you'll have nothing to talk about." I laughed then looked down on people that don't read The New Yorker.


• Matt Capps, Pirates: Madcap closer Matt Capps has an inflamed shoulder. He's out eight weeks but will not require surgery. Anyone got a joke here? I got nothin.


• Felix Hernandez, Mariners: So I'm actually writing to you today from the lovely space needle in Seattle and I just learned of King Felix's trip to the DL with a sprained ankle and... OH MY GOD GEOFF BAKER ALMOST JUST LANDED ON ME.

Not too many guys went on the DEEL this week which is great because I'm a little hungover and Creampuff is hard to write.

• Ian Snell, Pirates: Ever heard of medial epicondylitis? Either had Ian Snell until it's screaming chords of pain came ripping through his right elbow this week landing him on the DL. Make Room For Denny Bautista was the worst TGIF show ever.



• Shaun Marcum, Blue Jays: Me bragging about how I knew Shaun Marcum was going to have a good season will be delayed for a few weeks. He landed on the DL last weekend and visited Dr. Death, James Andrews. Andrews said no surgery is needed, which is good news for everyone except him because he's putting a new deck on his house.


• Nick Johnson, Nationals: Johnson looks like he's going to miss the rest of the season after wrist surgery. You have to feel a little bit for the guy who missed all of last season and seemed genuinely excited to get back on the field, even if it was with the Nationals.

Update: Not sure how I missed this one, but Brandon Inge strained his oblique LIFTING A PILLOW. Wow.

Hope that I don't need to mention Camp Tiger Claw this week after his crazy New York week of baseball games, rock concerts, and drinking binges. Creampuff is his baby but I'm takin' over today. Be gentle!

• Moises Alou, Mets (strained calf): The eternal godfather and king of getting hurt actually just got off the disabled list last Tuesday and even started against the Diamondbacks. Moises got a single, but then the rains came down in Shea and the game was delayed for an hour. When play resumed, Alou was on the bench and three days later was back on the DL for the 8953th time in his career.
  
  
• Chien-Ming Wang, Yankees (torn tendon): The Wanger was running the bases for the first time in years during a Yankee romp over the Astros down in Houston, but he pulled up lame while scoring his first career run. Turns out he messed up his Lisfranc real bad and he'll miss at least ten weeks. Wang is the second Yankee pitcher to introduce the word "Lisfranc" into the Bronx patois this season; Brian Bruney is due to return soon from his own foot ouchie.
  
  
• Paul Konerko, White Sox (strained oblique): He's the anti-Moises Alou as this will be Paul Konerko's first ever trip to the DL. Poor fella hurt himself in a bad way while taking swings during batting practice. I know the fans love 'em but don't try for so many tater tots, Paul! Who's gonna play first in Wrigley this weekend? Thome? Yipes!
  
  
• Brad Penny, Hiroki Kuroda, Dodgers (sore shoulders): Oh shit, it's a double punch in the gut for manager Joe Torre as he loses half of his top-notch rotation for a little bit. Kuroda will probably only miss one start but he'll be replaced by Chan Ho Park, and that's not good for anyone, except maybe the Park family. Penny's pain may be more problematic; he's 0-7 in his last eight starts but still expects to miss just one start.
  
  
• Carlos Zambrano, Cubs: (shoulder discomfort): That sound you hear is Cubs fans everywhere sounding their barbaric yawps over the roofs of the world. Big Z is down but not yet out, although he'll miss his next start.
  
  
• Willie Randolph (DOA): Willie got whacked.

Summer is here and baseball's biggest sissies can't take the heat. I'd tell them to get out of the kitchen but they're already gone, sitting on their couch eating bonbons and watching Judge Mathis. He's got soul!

• Tom Glavine, Braves: Tom Glavine is going back to his favorite chair on the disabled list. The octogenarian corner painter has a strained left elbow. According to that CBC article Glavine is "stylish." What the hell is wrong with you Canadians? Everyone on the Braves wears the same thing. It's called a uniform. But I digress. Who'd have thought having Smoltz and Glavine in your rotation 2008 may not be the best idea?


• Alfonso Soriano, Cubs: Looks like we got ourselves another two-timer. Fonzie makes his second trip to the Island of Misfit toys with a broken left hand. He drilled a pitch but unfortunately used his wrist. He could be out for up to 6 weeks.


• Josh Barfield, Victor Martinez, Indians: Welcome back to the big leagues, Josh. Here's a sprained finger for you. He injured himself checking his swing which is a pretty accurate metaphor for the frustrating couple of years poor Barfield has had. Meanwhile Martinez's right elbow is inflamed and he's heading to the Deel. That's what you get for stirring that 5 alarm chili with your bare arm, Vic.


• Albert Pujols, Adam Wainwright, Cardinals: Bert has a strained left calf that landed him on the Deel and he's expected to miss at least 3 weeks. This is terrible news for the Cardinals because they are just waiting to suck and this could be the tipping point. Well, that or their ace, Wainwright, going down with a sprained middle finger. If you had "sprained finger" in this week's Creampuff pool, please bring your ticket up to the stage. You're a winner!

There was a time when I was so broken hearted. Love wasn't much of a friend of mine. The tables have turned, because me and those ways have parted. That kind of love was the killing kind. The word out on the street is that these pansies are on the disabled list.

• David Ortiz, Red Sox: It appears that Ortiz will not need surgery on his wrist, which should help to quiet some Red Sox fans that were squealing like hysterical women. He just needs rest and immobilization. He should go talk to Schilling about that.


• John Smoltz, Braves: Smoltz came back for one game then his shoulder caught on fire or something. He's now submitting to season, not career, ending surgery. It will be a sad day when Smoltzy hangs em up but I know he won't leave our lives completely. For some reason I have a totally unfounded hunch that he could be a really good host of "This Old House."


• Jake Westbrook, Indians: Jakey caught the elbow soreness. I believe it was commenter Chief Wahoo who once asked "CTC, why do you hate Jake Westbrook so much?" I guess it's a combination of 3 things.
  
  A. He sucks at pitching.
  2. He's always hurt now.
  III. He makes a ton of money.
  
  Only once in his career has he posted an ERA under four.


• Vlad Guerrero, Scot Shields, Angels: These ones may turn out to be nothing but this article sounded so mysterious: "Angels' Vladimir Guerrero, Scot Shields to undergo medical tests" It's reminiscent of ekg meters and petri dishes. Vlad is having right knee problems and Shields has something rattling around in his rib cage. According to the Orange County Register, "it wouldn't be surprising if "one or the other" lands on the disabled list." But they also said sitting traffic makes you better looking.


• Carlos Pena, Rays: Pena hit the DL with a fractured left index finger. Since he's a lefty this probably means he won't be able to do a certain something with his dominant hand. If you do that certain something with your offhand it feels like a strange old man is doing it. At least that's what I heard on a Henry Rollins spoken word CD once. Also, Pena would have been useless in last night's brawl


• Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals: After playing all 162 games last year, Zimmerman is landing on the DEEL after tearing his left labrum on a slide into second base. Zimmerman took the injury as an opportunity to talk about how much he loves the game. "I want to play here for a long time, and there's no reason to go out and do something to make it worse." By "here" he must have meant "earth" because no one can like playing for the Nats.

I'm re-reading Fast Food Nation and I just got through the chapter about Kenny, the guy that worked in meatpacking for 16 years and his litany of injuries. Broken back, severed fingers, chlorine poisoning heart attacks. Guy went to work everyday, then was fired one day while in the hospital. YOU SHOULD READ THAT BOOK, WIMPY MAJOR LEAGUERS.

• Frank Thomas, A's: Thomas is on the DL after hurting his quadricep legging out a double. Wow, no wonder he got injured! What a high risk maneuver. He really shouldn't be putting himself in harm's way like that. BIG HURT INDEED GUFFAW GUFFAW.


• Fausto Carmona, Indians: Carmona is expected to miss four weeks after getting his dick caught in a vice. Oh wait I read that wrong. He has a left hip strain. According to the Indians trainer, the injury is uncommon for starting pitchers and Carmona's "maximum-effort pitching style might have contributed toward the injury." Rawk.


• Troy Percival, Rays: As his wife has told me many times, "Troy is just getting old and some stuff doesn't work like it used to. Now rub this cocoa butter on my back, my bra has been chafing." His comeback story hit a minor bumb when he landed on the DL this week with a hamstring strain. But hey, the Rays are a juggernaut now and can deal with this sort of thing no problem.


• Eric Gagne, Brewers: Gags has shoulder tendinitis. Doctor's believe it was developed when Ned Yost broke into his house and hit him repeatedly on the arm with a tire iron.


• Gary Sheffield, Tigers: Apparently you can't get cortisone shots in your stomach, because Sheff just hit the DL with oblique spasms. That's one of the craziest sounding injuries I've read about since writing this column. Sounds painful but also sounds like it would make him a good dancer. Like he's just standing there and then his obliques start spasming and suddenly he's doing the cha-cha.

No Memorial hiking, water skiing, basketball playing, or looting for these hummel figurines of the diamond. They're all busted up like a toddler falling off her big wheel.

• Melvin Mora, Orioles: Melvin done got his hand spiked by Hideki Matsui. Matsui didn't see what the big deal was. In Japan they call that "foreplay." Mora has a laceration on his hand and is day-to-day.


• Victor Jesus Martinez, Indians: Martinez hurt his finger in Thursday's game and was replaced by Kelly Shoppach. This week's bigger news was when he got his foot stuck in a sunflower seed bucket. I wish I was making this up. No word on whether or not he then slipped on a banana peel before falling into a puddle and having a safe fall on his head


• Josh Willingham, Marlins: This is not a new injury, Willingham has been out since April 27, but things are not getting better. He has a herinated disc in his back and could miss as much as another month. The Marlins are winning without him but I'm sure they could use his bat. Remember kids, lift with your legs.


• Erick Aybar, Angels: Aybar dislocated his pinkie(great picture there) which sounds both horribly painful and kind of wussy at the same time. He could miss up to 4 weeks. Rumor is he hurt it drinking chamomile tea.


• Andruw Jones, Dodgers: Jones has some torn knee cartilage. He says he feels better but the team is skeptical and it looks like he may need surgery.This season has been a mild disappointment for Anrduw Jones.


• Moises Alou, Mets: Ol' Pisshands strained his right calf putting him on the DL. This extends his streak of going on the DL for 31 straight seasons, an MLB record.


• Jose Canseco: Threw his back out from shaking in his boots.

Almost two months into the season, I guess we can start forgiving these guys for some of the wear and tear on their bodies, right? No way. They're weak and are a drag on the whole species.

• J.D. Drew, Clay Buchholz, Red Sox: Well, except for J.D. I gotta give him a pass. He looks like a nice guy that went to a great university. He hyperextended his wrist sliding for a catch in right. What a hustler. He's not expected to go on the DL. On the other hand there's Buchholz who was placed on the DL the day after a lousy start in Minnesota. The culprit? A torn fingernail. Your Korean manicurist get a little overzealous this week, Clay? You disgust me.


• Jeff Keppinger, Reds: Keppinger broke his knee cap and looks to be out 4-6 weeks. He fouled a ball off of it and it shattered like a fortune cookie. He stayed in for two more innings until tears could be seen streaming down his cheeks. This gives Dusty Baker the opportunity shuffle around the lineup and put in some more old Cubs. Keppinger will most likely be replaced by Shawon Dunston.


• David Riske, Brewers: Riske was put on the 15 Day DL with a hyperextended right elbow. You don't see JD Drew going on the shelf for that weak sauce, do you? No. He's tough as nails. I hope Riske's injury doesn't throw a wrench in the fine tuned machine that is the Milwaukee bullpen.


• Rafael Furcal, Dodgers: Furcal is having by far his best season in LA, but it's on hold for a little while. He was having lower back problems. He got a cortisone shot yesterday and said it "hit the spot." Sounds refreshing. Can I get one of those?


• Nick Johnson, Nationals: Johnson is on the 15 Day DL for tearing his right tendon sheath. What the hell? Isn't that what the sheath is for? To take hits for the tendon? Wuss. Anyway, the Circle Of Life keeps working it's magic. Dmitiri Young is coming OFF the DL. Whee!

OUCH I'M A MAJOR LEAGUE BALLPLAYER AND I HAVE A BOOBOO AND I WANT SOMEONE TO BRING ME A JUICE BOX WHILE I WATCH THE WIGGLES AND I CANT PLAY TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE AN OWWIE.

• Esteban Loaiza, Dodgers: Loiza went on the DL with tightness and spasms in his shoulder. He should have had Regis rub some Aspercreme on it. Anyway there's some speculation that this could open the door for a Clayton Kershaw call-up. Squeeeee!


• Pat Neshek, Twins: Neshek strained his elbow. There was some confusion after an initial report quoted him as saying "it snapped." I guess it didn't snap or anything or but they're goin.....zzzzzzzzzzz. Anyway I hope it's not serious. I have a hard time disliking a guy that trades baseball cards with readers on his message board.


• Rickie Weeks, Brewers: Raped by a wallaby.


• David Eckstein & John McDonald, Blue Jays: Both infielders landed on the DL this week with a strained hip flexor and a sprained ankle, respectively. According to the Canadian Press, "General manager J.P. Ricciardi said he has "some irons in the fire" to bring in a player from outside the organization, widely expected to be a hitter who excels against left-handed pitching. He also won't give up a player from the big-league roster to get him." I think it's Tony Fossas. Wait I got that all wrong. It's Brad Wilkerson.