Recently in What's Up, Creampuff? Category

What's Up, Creampuff: A Feature That Finally Died

| | Comments (6)
newstretcher.JPG

When Rob and I first started we had a couple convoluted ideas for recurring features. All the ladies in the house that remember Tavern Talking Points say HAAAAAAAAY. But as we were advised by our peers and would find out on our own later, these things can't be forced. And what would become the first, and one of the longest running, features was What's Up, Creampuff.. Like 95% of the things I wrote it started as a whimsical and mildly newsy one off where I insulted baseball players. For sensitivity's sake I used a picture of a random guy being loaded onto an ambulance via gurney. It stuck.This poor dude's suffering become blog iconic. And a t-shirt. Sorry, man.

Like everything we were amazed that people read it and more than anything else in the early days, Creampuff helped inform my writing style. I wrote variations of the word "dude" a lot, used all caps too much and turned medical/baseball talk into beatnik slang. Always remember that it's longer to type "deel" than "DL" but shorter to say. I also libeled dozens of middling journeymen by saying they were raped by wallabies. Still my favorite tag. The feature prompted one of our earliest, longest and strangest guest pieces, Will Carroll's LSD-Noir epic, Picking The Historical Creampuff. Though he tabs Jose Canseco (there goes that man again!) as the All Time Creampuff, the piece is notable for its inclusion of Mark Fidrych just about one year before he died under his dump truck. WILL CARROLL IS A WITCH.

When you've finally wasted so much time in your office that you have literally nothing else good to look at on the internet (and trust me, that day is coming) I hope you'll peruse these here WoW archives. If you do, I think you'll find that Creampuff retires with a pretty high Joke Per Word Typed percentage. Maybe you'll be able to use some good ones to make fun of your sick/injured friends/relatives. But for now, let's get all empirical on that ass as we find the ALL-TIME WALKOFF WALK CREAMPUFF by combing the entire category link and counting names...

Okay this is taking way too long and I have no idea how to actually do it in a reasonable manner. But I can speculate with some degree of certainty that the first name that appears the most is "Carlos."

WHAT'S UP, CARLOS?

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

| | Comments (2)
creampuffshirt.jpg
  • Martin Prado, Braves: The All-Star 2B broke his pinky and will be out about two weeks. The broken pinky is a hilarious injury because even though it's just that little bitty finger they make you wear a huge cast that covers most of your hand and forearm. I saw a dude at a party the other night who had a huge American flag cast on his arm all cause of a broken pinky. It was probably meant to be ironic.

  • Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox: Youk is going to miss the rest of the season after today's thumb surgery. Dude wasn't even on the epic MASH list that the Sox put together at the end of June. At least they didn't trade Mike Lowell yet! Lord, I hope they don't get swept in the Bronx this weekend.

  • Carlos Silva, Cubs: An accelerated heartbeat forced Silva off the mound last Sunday. The sped up ticker was accompanied by shortness of breath. Medical condition or just too excited that the guy from Train was going to sing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"? Carlos pumps "Drops Of Jupiter" before each start.

  • Orlando Cabrera, Reds: Cabrera is on the deel after hurting his oblique during a swing. Everyone else on the DL is said to be upset and worried he'll disrupt their chemistry.

  • Aaron Cook, Rockies: Heist participants Colorado put Cook on the DL with a sprained Big Piggy. Cook blames the ouchie for recent inffectiveness. If he weren't such a self centered dick he would have cut it off, then. Boo this man.

  • Austin Kearns, Yankees: Raped by a wallaby.

  • Brian Moehler, Astros: Moehler was in the midst of rehabbing a strained groin this week when he TORE it. Most ineffective trainer in baseball? Worst rehabber of the year? Did it sound like a torn piece of paper or more like popping bubble wrap? So many questions.

  • Carlos Gomez, Brewers: Gomez took a scary fast ball to the head but CT scans were clear. THEY DIDN'T SHOW ANYTHING! HAR HAR! Gomez is mad the Cubs players didn't show more concern. Don't take it personal, Carlos. They were just wishing it had been them.

What's Up Creampuff: Major Dudes That Got Hurt

| | Comments (0)
newstretcher.JPG

Serious week for Creampuffin. But a wonderful week for the Puffin. Yeah, a huge colony of those kinda penguiny bird things in England was having serious population problems, but now it looks like they recovered. Awesome! Hopefully the following group of lynchpins limping into the All-Star break can do the same. BOOM, HOMONYM SYNERGY.

  • Kevin Millwood, Orioles: Kevin hit the deel with a forearm strain. According to MLB.com he did so begrudgingly. Hey Kevtone, that's the same way Pete Angelos signs your checks every week.

  • Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox: Hurt ankle. (passes out). FALSE ALARM. He played the next night in Tampa. Thank gosh.

  • Carlos Quentin, Jake Peavy, White Sox: Fresh off winning Player Of The Week, Q-tone twisted his knee and missed all week. Loosk like he's back today. News is not as smooth for Jake Peavy. Peevtone detached a muscle in his back. That's a pretty illustrative injury and one that'll keep him out for the rest of the year. Maybe they can get Cliff Lee from the Yankees at the trade deadline.

  • Shin Soo-Choo, Indians: Choo has been one of the best hitters in the AL over the past two seasons, but he hurt his thumb and was placed on the DL. Original thought was that he'd need surgery and be out for the season. New thought says no surgery, shorter downtime. Fun fact: Chootone's son is named "Alan.".

  • Justin Morneau, Twins: Morneau got his big, beige, Canadian bell wrung trying to break up a double play in Toronto. Now dude's got a concussion and is feeling "loopy". Which is good news for Twins fans. At least he isn't feeling Lupe Caballero.

newstretcher.JPG

The Rays and Red Sox square off at Fenway tonight, and try to create a little breathing room at the top of the claustrophobic AL East. They won't be able to change all that muc as this is one of those interleague bookending nub series, but still. A minisweep for one team would have them feeling pretty good I imagine. As always, injuries are playing a key role in the division and there are quite a few of them between the top three teams. Let's have a look.

New York Yankees

  • Brett Gardner: He has a little bruise on his wrist and is day to day.

  • Mariano Rivera: Stuffed himself at dinner last night. Shouldn't have had that second helping of lima beans. Good to go for next game.

Tampa Bay Rays

Boston Red Sox

  • Josh Beckett: Out since May 19, the Sox nominal ace has made just 8 starts, half of them injury plagued stinkers. He's on track to begin rehab assignments in the next couple weeks and could possibly be ready to come back to the majors by July 31.

  • Dustin Pedroia: The team's hottest hitter over the past 3 weeks broke his foot on a foul ball in SF. He won't need surgery (laser or otherwise) but will still miss 6 weeks.

  • Jacoby Ellsbury: The opening day LF has missed almost the entire season with a rib injury and is acting all weird about it. He hasnt been with the team since June 9 and is staying in Arizona for the forseeable future. Either he hates immigrants or he's got something very contagious. Stay tuned.

  • Mike Cameron: Cameron is also suffering from an abdominal injury that will be with him all season. While he is currently playing he can do so in no more than 3 consecutive games at a time. That's called the Rocco Baldelli Memorial Creampuff Glass Ceiling, folks!

  • Clay Buchholz: Strained his hamstring in SF running to second base. Could miss next start, but may just get extra rest.

  • Jeremy Hermida: Also hurt his ribs. Finally swining a bat after missing more than month. Looking to start rehab assignments next week.

  • Victor Martinez: Caught a foul tip off the thumb in, sigh, SF and fractured it. He doesn't need surgery but is still headed to the deel.

What was it Drew said on a podcast about keeping players healthy being the new moneyball? Can the Red Sox please please please lead that charge? Please?

What's Up Creampuff: Guys Who Got Hurt Pt. 1

| | Comments (8)
newstretcher.JPG

I wonder what my therapist thinks about me turning Friday into a day for pain. Between Creampuff and the Bat Attack Roundup there's something about today that makes me revel in the ouchies. Actually, my therapist is probably more concerned with the fact that I just stopped going a few months ago and still owe him some money. On with the Marys.

  • Chipper Jones, Braves: OL' CHIP strained his oblique swinging yesterday. Seems like no big deal, and he should only miss a couple games. But this is like the 20 trillionth time it's happened to Lar, giving Fonzie O'Brien enough pause to write "Uh-O" in his headline like a pooping toddler.

  • Felix Pie, Orioles: Felix has a minor rotator cuff strain and will miss a couple games. Snoozy, but also notable for not involving his testicles.

  • Brian Sanches, Marlins: Pulled his hamstring leading to this diagnosis from Dr. Fredi Gonzalez:"Usually when it's higher up, it can be more severe than in the middle of the hamstring, or lower," Gonzalez said. Thanks, dude. I wouldn't trust Fredi Gonzalez to pour me a dose of Dimetapp.

  • Orlando Hudson, Twins: Hudson left last nights game but apparently "feels fine after being kneed in the head." That's the same way I'd describe Minnesota taxpayers after seeing how pretty Target Field is.

  • Luis Castillo, Mets: "Castillo, who tweaked his left hand diving into first base on an infield hit Thursday, will not play Friday, but that's due to his calf and not his hand bothering him, the Newark Star-Ledger reports." Meet the Mets!

  • Jeff Niemann, Rays: Done got smoked in the arm by a line drive. Joe Maddon recommends an ice pack and a 2004 Argentinian Malbec.

  • Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Rangers: Just days after his opening day walkoff hit, Salty hits the DL with back pain. Sweet! No finer reward for a job well done than a paid vacation. Enjoy crouching everyday in the Texas heat, Teagarden. Sucker.

  • Aaron Hill, Blue Jays: Hill is out with a tight hamstring. The Blue Jays are replacing him in the lineup with DH Mervin Wells, the heretofore unknown twin brother of Vernon Wells. They're identical except for a mustache and a pair of cheap looking glasses.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

| | Comments (2)
newstretcher.JPG

Despite a decent amount of inclement New England weather this Winter, I stayed relatively injury free. Couple stubbed toes here, a few hangovers there. I also have a bit of chronic lower back pain developing which I attribute to work and I probably should get one of those rad looking lifting belts. But I'll tell you what. I look like Jack Friggin Lalanne next to the following Hummel Figurines.

  • CHIPPER Jones, Braves: We already made note of this yesterday in TQ but ol' Dave O'Brien at the AJC caught sight of the ingrown toenail that was so severe it kept him out of a game this week. I'm surprised he didn't take a couple rounds of duckshot and just shoot it off. He's a ballplayer, dammit!

  • Koji Uehara, Orioles: The Japanese ambassador to Baltimore hasn't thrown off of a mound in a couple weeks and thus, will start the season on the deel. Koji has a relatively long injury history compared to his time of service. Starting the season on the 15 day really shows that you've arrived as a Creampuff, though.

  • Jacoby Ellsbury, Red Sox: Missed a couple games with a sore arm. Descriptive. This is why Creampuff is harder to do in camp, obviously, because guys miss games with nebulous injuries that they would just play through in the regular season. If this was a game in July, Ellsbury would just be making weak throws to the cutoff man, sore arm or not.

  • Roy Oswalt, Lance Berkman, Astros: Baseball's other ace named Roy has a body that is seizing up like the engine on an '83 Oldsmobile. Hamstring tightness, chronic back problems, and a mysterious muscle pain on his left side. All of these things will contribute to... Oswalt starting Opening Day. Okay, then. Berkman had surgery in March that's left his knee "cranky, sore and swollen, like walking around on Urban Meyer. He will miss the opener.

  • Alex Gordon, Royals: Gordon has been dealing with a thumb ouchie for bout all of camp and will start the season on the deel. Progressing well, but still an auspicious way to begin a season for a guy trying to bounce back from an injury riddled 2009.

  • Jeff Suppan, Brewers: Suppan has landed on the DL, with cervical disc pain, aka a sore neck. This was caused by either vigorous headbanging at a MercyMe show or nodding vigorously in agreement to a speaker at a Tea Party rally.

  • Brad Lidge, J.C. Romero, Joe Blanton, Phillies: Neither Lidge nor Romero have fully recovered from offseason surgery, and Blanton has an oblique strain that could keep him out for as long as 6 weeks. Didn't even know Cuntry Joe had obliques.

  • Fred Lewis, Giants: Lewis has a strained ribcage that will likely start his season on the DL assuming the Giants keep him at all. Root for the DL Fred!! Don't get traded, San Francisco is lovely in the summer!

  • Cliff Lee, Mariners: Lee threw with no discomfort blah blah Curt Shilling yapping blah blah. Why do I feel like I'm gonna get sick of talking about Cliff Lee soon? What did he do to deserve it?

What's Up, Creampuff: Dudes That Were/Got Hurt Pt. 1

| | Comments (0)
stretcher.JPG Oh, lord. These dudes better get better in a double hurry.

STAY TUNED FOR PART II. IT'S GONNA BE A DARK STAR EPIC!!!!

stretchersmile.JPGJust about every Friday during the baseball season, we poke all manner of fun at the softies in Major League Baseball who miss time with phantom ailments and broken testicles. With another day at the office a major holiday looming; I thought we'd give back to the stout men of baseball who chose to play through their nagging wounds and ouchies.

You may notice a lack of free agents on this list. BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL A PICTURE OF HEALTH, PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYERS. Holding off until season's end is the real definition of taking one for the team, no matter how crappy you play while injured. Taking big chunks of the year off to ensure you hit the open market fresh as a daisy isn't selfish, it's the American way!

  • Torii Hunter, Angels: Hunter went under the knife to repair a sports hernia that napped the "Gold Glover" since mid-May! Well, technically, the knife went under Hunter. UNDER HIS BALLS! Hunter seems pumped at the prospect of heading into 2010 healthy and ready to go. Hunter hopes to bounce back after this procedure as he did after his last offseason operation.

  • Vernon Wells, Blue Jays: Wells took a deep inhalation of anesthesia for the second straight winter, this time blaming a bum wrist for his craptastic season. Wells massive contract and every other year performance (Saberhaganitis, for which there is no cure) make him public enemy number one in Toronto. A tidy operation and hope springs eternal for the Blue Jays faithful!

  • J.D. Drew, Red Sox: JD Drew, Ironpuff? Could it be the creampuff poster boy gutted it out with a bum shoulder? It could! Well, gutted it out is a relative term. The much-maligned glove-and-walkman had minor work done on his bum left shoulder. The joint was inflamed for most of the second half, though Drew managed a tidy .999 OPS during the second stanza. Dude's a stud. And a creampuff. Today though, we salute his Ironpuffery.
  • Ted Lilly, Cubs: The mercurial Cubs lefty let the doctors wriggle around inside his shoulder with sticks early in November, hoping they could clean up his fraying labrum. The oddballin', flyballin', strikeout-chucker pitched through pain in September even though the Chubbies were headed straight for nowheresville. Lilly might miss the first few weeks of Spring Training, much to the chagrin of not Ted Lilly.

  • Edwin Encarnacion, Blue Jays: If you knew Edwin Encarnacion played for the Blue Jays, consider yourself a liar. The erratic third baseman had a similar surgery to his teammate Wells, much to the surprise of Wells. Vernon wasn't surprised that EE was hurt as much as he had no idea they were teammates. Third base is a long way from centerfield, he just thought Scott Rolen lost a bunch of weight. Encarnacion expects to be ready for Spring Training, unless he is non-tendered by his new team. His wife will then walk around on tender hooks lest she upset her spouse's tender feelings. He may lash out and aggravate his tender wrist. I recommend some Otis Redding to calm him down.

  • Brandon Inge, Tigers: The Binge admirably played most of the second half on busted wheels, dragging his carcass and its .314 OBP out there everyday until the end of the year. Mocking Inge is easy but foolish, as the catcher turned centerfielder turned third baseman turned catcher again is a fan favorite and respected member of El Tigres. The chronic tendinitis in both of Inge's knees should clear up by Spring Training, shockingly.

  • Albert Pujols, Cardinals: Albert Pujols. Had junk. Cleaned out of his elbow. In October. Meaning he wasn't 100% at any point this year. He won the MVP. Unanimously. Yikes. He should be ready to win the Triple Crown by the time Spring Training rolls around. Bow down.

junglepuff.jpgLots of Creampuffs get shut down for the year with varying levels of actual or imagined malady. The injury reports tend to leak out in a less than upfront manner at this time of year, as the swollen roster can take the hits a lot better than these Creampuffs.

I tried to narrow it down to men of importance this week. Unfortunately, the interesting and/or impactful people are all absconded deep in FORTRESS PITTSBURGH so I had to write about baseball players instead.

  • Bobby Jenks, White Sox: The girthiest closer in the American League is out for the year with some sort of leg injury common to fat people. Jenks was spotted in the clubhouse wearing a walking boot usually used to support the ankle or leg, here used to smuggle fudge into the bullpen.

  • Junichi Tazawa, Red Sox: The Japanese Red Sock of least importance was placed on the 60 Day DL with a strained groin Monday. 60 day DL for a groin strain?? Sounds serious. THEY MUST BE HOLDING HIS GROIN MUSCLES TOGETHER WITH CHOPSTICKS. Or they needed to clear a spot on the 40 man roster in September. A baseball-mad nation eventually turns its eyes to you Junichi, just as soon as they've found out what Ichiro thinks about Metal Gear Solid 4.

  • Marco Scutaro, Blue Jays: The surprising contract year shortstop figures to be done for the annum with planter fasciiatis. Or "a tear in the plantar fascia in his right heel." Either the infernal Fieldturf is killing Marco Scutaro or he secretly plays in the NBA. Have you ever seen him and Manu Ginobili in the same room? Italian last names yet hailing from South America? The same elaborate yet lazy alibi for a secret two sport star. Marco Scutaro will work your pitch count as he takes you to the hole.

  • Chipper Jones, Braves: First the groin and now the back. Ol' Chip is wearing down. Too much time in the dear stand, I reckon.

  • Nolan Reimold, Orioles: Rookie of the Year darkhorse rides a pale horse into the offseason after Achilles Tendon surgery. Another disappointment for Orioles fans and players. Reimold should recover in time for Opening Day next where he will join teammates Brian Roberts, Nick Markakis, Matt Weiters, and Adam Jones in futilely pursuing personal goals and accolades.

  • Bruce Chen, Royals: If you have Bruce Chen on your fantasy team, you deserve the worst the world has to offer. Your team can only be in last place of an AL Central Keeper league and your life could charitably be described as shambolic. Seek help now. On a cheerier note: Bruce Chen pitched in the Major Leagues in 2009? Dayton Moore should apply everything I said before to his tenure. You'd have to sign three Zack Greinke's to cover up the mess he made.

  • Numerous Wallabies, Sydney Rapists: Sand-raped by a vengeful God. The wallabies are on notice.
That is about it. Sorry Scott Hairston, you moved from one pitcher's park to another and put up worse numbers. Nobody cares about your ouchy hips.
legostretcher.jpg

With the expanded rosters, there's very little need for teams to use the disabled list anymore. Everyone's carrying like 5 catchers and 83 relievers, so they've got depth coming out of their ears. But that's not stopping our favorite stars from getting hurt and being out for the remaining couple weeks of the season! No sir, creampuffery never rests, and we'll never stop having fun at their expense.

Besides, we have to keep you informed since it's fantasy baseball playoff season! In the Walkoff Walk league, the semifinal matchups feature commenters Jerkwheat and Chief Wahoo going head-to-head, while my own team faces The Colonel's tough squadron. Time for me to finally bench Milton Bradley!

Onto the VERITABLE M*A*S*H UNIT:

  • Gavin Floyd: The White Sox starter left Wednesday's game early with a hip ouchie and will probably be shelved for the rest of 2009. It's not like the White Sox have a ghost of a chance, right Ozzie?

  • Roy Oswalt: It's operation shutdown, Roy my boy. Fella has had back pain since August and won't toe the rubber anymore this year. Unless you're talking about the ribbed rubber mat in his shower at home. Roy's number one concern is shower safety. His number two concern is striking out Derrek Lee (15 times!)

  • Lance Berkman: It's a tough year to be an Astros fan! Or an Astros player's back! Fat Elvis hurt his back lifting weights and missed a couple games this week. Get a spotter, buddy. It's not like Ed Wade is doing anything useful in the G.M.'s office, he can help.

  • Jarrod Washburn: The Tigers starter hurt his knee giving up a million home runs this week and will probably miss his weekend start. To add insult to injury for Deeeetroit fans, the Tigers organization was fully aware of his swollen, painful knee when they acquired him from Seattle in July. Ouch.

  • Andy Pettitte: Sometimes, Obama's plan for preventative care is best. The veteran lefty missed a start this week to rest an achy shoulder.

  • Mike Hampton: This porcelain doll is shattered. Some folks feel bad for him. I can't disagree. He's going to miss all of next season after rotator cuff surgery. What could have been! He's such a schlimazel. Oy.

  • Billy Wagner: Raped by a wallaby with an egg-shaped penis.

  • Alfonso Soriano: Fella went under the knife for the first time ever to fix his ouchie knee, but was relieved to be anesthetized. Fonzie said he liked hallucinating unicorns and rainbows while the doctors scraped the bloody mess inside his kneespot.

  • Justin Morneau: Broke his back carrying his ill-begotten 2006 AL MVP award.

  • Chipper Jones: Ol' Chip hurt his groin swinging a bat which only lends more credence to the prediction that he'll retire after next year. He missed last night's game which, coincidentally, the Braves won. Maybe Ken Rosensquirrel was right!