What's Up, Creampuff?: March 2008 Archives

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt This week

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stretcher.JPGYesterday at work, I hurt my back bending to pick up a piece of paper behind my desk, and had to lay on the floor in an empty office until I felt good enough to try and stand up again. It sucked. I'm not sure if it's related to any of the rehab I've been doing for major knee surgery, but it's quite possible. I tend to stare coldly and angrily at anyone that makes light of my recent spate of health issues.

All that being said, I have no compunction poking fun at the injuries of the following players. They're rich and mostly dumb, and can kiss my hypocritical ass.

Joel Pineiro, Cardinals: When Pineiro went down this week, an already light Cards rotation just about vanished into thin air. I thought to myself, "Jesus what are they gonna do now, sign Kyle Lohse?" I was just kidding... and then they signed Kyle Lohse. If my next two premonitions are correct, Brad Radke better start looking for apartments in Arlington (see below) and I'm going to have a delicious grilled cheese samich mere minutes from now.

Nomar Garciaparra & Andy LaRoche, Dodgers: Nomar got hit in the wrist with a pitch. Again. That's some groundhog day shit. In the very same game, Andy LaRoche tore a ligament in his thumb and is out two weeks. Unfortunately for the Dodgers those two were fighting to be the starting third baseban. Fortunately for the Dodgers, now Joe Torre can't screw it up.

Brandon McCarthy, Eddie Guardado, Vicente Padilla, CJ Wilson & Kevin Millwood, Rangers: Hey remember a couple weeks back when we were talking about how lousy the Rangers pitching staff is? Well now half of them are hurt. That can't help. Its gotten so bad people are blaming the mound. It's kind of like the Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash if Lynyrd Skynryd were terrible and no one cared much about their music in the first place.

Rocco Baldelli, Rays: Not fun. Baldelli revealed that he has "metabolic and/or mitochondrial abnormalities" Rocco says he isn't retiring but after a couple minutes on the field he feels like he's been working out forever. Shitty, but I'm using this excuse the next time my old lady asks why I stopped going to the gym.

Doug Mirabelli: Red puffy eyes, sniffles.

Casey Janssen, Blue Jays: After a stellar 2007, Jansen was the leading candidate to be BJ Ryan's set up man, but now after a tearing his labrum, he's a leading candidate to watch a ton of Price Is Right over the next few months. He's out for the season. Apparently this opens the door for Armando Benitez marking the first time in the past year that's happened somewhere other than El Pollo Loco.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt This Week

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stretcher.JPGWeek 2 of camp. More guys hurt. Let's round them up and poke some fun at their discomfort. How can I do this, you may ask? Because I use an alias. On to the wimps!

Coco Crisp, Red Sox: Let's let Amalie Benjamin of the Globe handle this one: "Coco Crisp not only is dealing with his tender groin muscles, but the center fielder is in line for a root canal today." That's one of the most painful sentences I've ever read. Looks like it'll be awhile before he can scratch his inner thighs with his teeth. Or get traded.

Adam Eaton, Phillies: Eaton has been complaining of back pain whilst getting shelled all week. I would recommend the Phillies have him see a back specialist. Then release him.

Jeff Kent, Dodgers: Grandpa pulled a hamstring. This guy turns 40 years old today and is still playing second base. That's really something. No truth to the rumors that Kent suffered the injury either washing his car or laughing maniacally at the fact that no one has signed Barry Bonds.

Jim Edmonds, Padres: Edmonds hurt his calf. You don't see those racists at PETA making a big deal about this, do you?

Doug Brocail, Astros: Raped by a wallaby.

Hank Joe Blalock, Rangers: Someone rear ended Blalock's car. This is what happens when you're eating In-N-Out and not paying attention where you're driving. Anyway, Blalock had whiplash and shoulder soreness but is feeling better.

SUPER PREDICTABLE UPDATE: Reader Matt T. sends in the news that Mike Hampton was just pulled from his second spring start with an undisclosed injury. Like Dr. Rock said below, some of these you could write in advance. Can't imagine the frustration for Hampton.