What's Up, Creampuff?: April 2008 Archives

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt This Week

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stretcher.JPG You know how women can have that surgery that makes their ladyparts all "like new again?" I think that's the real reason the following baseball players are out this week.

  • Eric Byrnes, Diamondbacks: Byrnes is out with "leg issues," which is a moronic ailment fit for a moron. Care to be a little more vague Eric? Did you slap your legs too hard laughing at the new Meow Mix commercial? Did you impale yourself with a screwdriver trying to open a can of Franks n' Beans? I gotta know man!

  • Jermaine Dye, White Sox: Mr. Dye strained his groin. Ouch. That's the one that keeps your dick attached. Teammate Jerry Owens said, "A strain? Who gives a shit? I straight tore my dick attacher and you don't see me crying." Dye had been hitting pretty well, with a .319 avg going into last night.

  • Jake Westbrook, Indians: Jake Westbrook sucks. And when he's not sucking he's hurt. This week it's a strained muscle in his ribcage. Somehow all this sucking and getting hurt doesn't prevent Westbrook from making like $25M between now and 2010. Too bad they can't give any of that money to Sabathia.

  • Carlos Guillen, Tigers: Just as the Tigers offense is beginning to come together, Guillen is out indefinitely with a severely bruised right knee. Jim Leyland (that asshole) says Guillen "can't even walk." Aw shit, I don't have time for this. Quit exaggerating and get Carla some kneepads. You got a team to run, Pall Mall.

  • Milton Bradley & Ian Kinsler, Rangers: Both players are complaining of hamstring soreness making this an open and shut diagnosis. Sexually Transmitted Hamstring Injuries.

What's Up, Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt This Week

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stretcher.JPGHey, guys. I'm going to make this short and sweet: ALL DAYS SPENT ON THE DISABLED LIST MUST BE CLEARED WITH HUMAN RESOURCES. Anyone that does not have the approved paperwork will not receive checks while on the DL, and all funds will instead be transferred to Pascual Perez. Thank you for your cooperation.

  • Erik Bedard, Mariners: This overpaid invalid hit the DL with "hip inflammation" this week. What's next, old man? Incapacitating liver spots? He's only expected to miss one start.

  • Joe Borowski, Indians: After blowing Monday night's game against the Sox, Borowski hit the showers then the 15 Day DL. He's got a strained right triceps which manager Eric Wedge says happened in camp. Way to put him out there with the game on the line then, coach! Borowski said he felt like he was going to the mound "with an unloaded gun", to which I say: Told you not to get that vasectomy.

  • Alfonso Soriano, Cubs: Soriano's strained right calf has landed him on the DL, and there's been some bruhaha related to just how he did it. Just before catching a routine fly from Ken Griffey, Soriano performed his patented "hop," and strained the muscle. Old, out of shape, blowhards like Steve Rosenbloom are taking the opportunity to call Soriano's move "stupid" from the comfort of their wheely desk chairs. Attack Soriano's (awful) contract and the front office that signed him to it all you want. To call the way he has always played the game "stupid" because it leads to one stint on the DL is the hackiest thing I've ever seen. Jesus, that sounds like something Jay Mariotti would do. Oh wait, he did.

  • Dontrelle Willis, Tigers: D-Train had an enventful week. He made his first trip to the DL with a hyperextended right knee, he plead guilty to a lesser charge in his old DUI case, and then started a throwing program to heal his knee! Phew. Poor lil fella probably needs a nap.

  • Shane Victorino, Phillies: Hey, did you know Shane Victorino is from Hawaii!? Me neither, no one ever mentions it. Hey, did you know he's also a huge wimp? The speedy but delicate outfielder hurt his hamstring last weekend and was placed on the DL, for the second time in as many seasons. It's not as severe as it was last season, which leads me to conclude that all Hawaiians are lazy and hate to work.

  • Marlon Byrd, Rangers: Byrd (who looks NOTHING like his brother Paul) has inflammation in his knee which is probably contributing to the deflation in his numbers. Dude was hitting .129 before going on the DL. When I asked for comment, Byrd's teammate Milton Bradley said he "was going to fucking kill" me.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt This Week

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stretcher.JPGI hate when you stub your toe and you're all hopping up and down and making that "hhsssseee" noise through your clenched teeth and your moron roommate/father/boss goes "You ok?" That really pisses me off. I'm trying to concentrate on how much pain I'm in, not trying to answer an obvious question from some doofus. You know who doesn't know the first thing about pain? The porcelain ladybros I've listed below.

Mike Lowell, Red Sox: Mikey Double rolled over on his hand diving for an Ivan Rodriguez ground ball on Wednesday night. He sprained the ligament in his glove thumb. Doctors expect it to be 2-4 weeks before he can get back on the field. It's a notoriously fickle injury. You may remember the same thing happened to David Eckstein and it was weeks before he could suck his thumb while holding Mr. Blankie at bedtime.

Matt Garza & Cliff Floyd, Devil Rays: Garza didn't make it out of the third inning in his last start and is now on the DL with radial nerve irritation. I had heard rumblings about Garza's arm being an iffy proposition when the Rays made the deal with the Twins in the offseason. He's now saying himself that the pain started before the end of last season. Ron Gardenhire put down his can of Busch long enough to deny the claim, and now we've got ourselves a little tiff between the two clubs. Meeeow! Meanwhile, Cliff Floyd is on the DL with "body on strike" a torn meniscus.

Derek Jeter, Yankees: The New York shortstop and loathsome tax cheat hurt his left quadriceps doing something intangible. He hasn't officially been placed on the DL but looks like he may miss the weekend series in Boston. This concludes your tour of AL East MASH Units.

Rich Harden, A's: Harden is so consistent at being hurt all the time. He's like the Tiger Woods of getting hurt. It's not a big sad sack fiasco like Mike Hampton where there's hemming and hawing and freak injuries. Nope, Harden gets injured like a pro. This time it's a strained back muscle. The A's have had 377 back injuries on their team in the past two years and the California Agricultural Commission is recommending they uproot and destroy Eric Chavez before he destroys the rest of the crops.

Jimmy Rollins, Phillies: Dammit J-Roll, we didn't mean your ankle! (canned laughter) (crying) (dropped hoagie) (profane call to talk radio)

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPGOne week is down in your 2008 Major League season, and more deadbeats are down on the ground writhing in pain (read: FAKIN' IT). You know what's a real baseball injury? This. You know what isn't? The assorted spinelessness you see assembled here. Nancies.

Mike Hampton, Braves: I just need to create a What's Up Creampuff Template. It'll have the intro, where I can sarcastically plug in various synonyms for "wimp" and "phony," and then it will have "Mike Hampton, Braves" on it. The official cause this time is a strained pectoral muscle but according to this espn.com injury list it's also his groin and elbow. Mike, Please retire. This hurts to watch. Probably not as much as every bone, tendon, ligament and muscle in your body, but it hurts.

Jorge Posada, Yankees: Posada has been sitting out due to a "stiff right shoulder." Those can be tough. My grandpa started getting them when he turned 80. Best of luck George, and awesome way to prove that you're not too old for your new 4 year deal!

JJ Putz, Mariners: Putz strained his rib cage, because of Miguel Batista's dinner. It's not considered serious. I'm not a doctor but I still wouldn't rule out something trying to burrow it's way out of his body.

Chris Duncan, Cardinals: Duncan pulled a hammy trying to steal a base. No word on the condition of his terrible blonde facial hair.

Pedro Martinez, Mets: Pedro strained his hamstring on the mound in Florida last week. He looks to be out 4-6 weeks. But fear not Mets fans, El Duque is eligible to come off the DL in ten days and the Mets called up Nelson Figueroa. Your team's hispanic makeup is still at optimal levels.

Carlos Zambrano, Cubs: This is my favorite one of the week. Zambrano left his first start of the season after developing forearm cramps. Cramping has been a recurring problem for this crackpot his entire career. Cubs doctors are telling him to cut out his caffeine intake before games. Apparently he likes to "get amped up for a game with coffee and energy drinks." Jeez, I could never tell.