What's Up, Creampuff?: May 2008 Archives

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPGI'm re-reading Fast Food Nation and I just got through the chapter about Kenny, the guy that worked in meatpacking for 16 years and his litany of injuries. Broken back, severed fingers, chlorine poisoning heart attacks. Guy went to work everyday, then was fired one day while in the hospital. YOU SHOULD READ THAT BOOK, WIMPY MAJOR LEAGUERS.

  • Frank Thomas, A's: Thomas is on the DL after hurting his quadricep legging out a double. Wow, no wonder he got injured! What a high risk maneuver. He really shouldn't be putting himself in harm's way like that. BIG HURT INDEED GUFFAW GUFFAW.

  • Fausto Carmona, Indians: Carmona is expected to miss four weeks after getting his dick caught in a vice. Oh wait I read that wrong. He has a left hip strain. According to the Indians trainer, the injury is uncommon for starting pitchers and Carmona's "maximum-effort pitching style might have contributed toward the injury." Rawk.

  • Troy Percival, Rays: As his wife has told me many times, "Troy is just getting old and some stuff doesn't work like it used to. Now rub this cocoa butter on my back, my bra has been chafing." His comeback story hit a minor bumb when he landed on the DL this week with a hamstring strain. But hey, the Rays are a juggernaut now and can deal with this sort of thing no problem.

  • Eric Gagne, Brewers: Gags has shoulder tendinitis. Doctor's believe it was developed when Ned Yost broke into his house and hit him repeatedly on the arm with a tire iron.

  • Gary Sheffield, Tigers: Apparently you can't get cortisone shots in your stomach, because Sheff just hit the DL with oblique spasms. That's one of the craziest sounding injuries I've read about since writing this column. Sounds painful but also sounds like it would make him a good dancer. Like he's just standing there and then his obliques start spasming and suddenly he's doing the cha-cha.

What's Up Creampuff: Some Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPGNo Memorial hiking, water skiing, basketball playing, or looting for these hummel figurines of the diamond. They're all busted up like a toddler falling off her big wheel.

  • Melvin Mora, Orioles: Melvin done got his hand spiked by Hideki Matsui. Matsui didn't see what the big deal was. In Japan they call that "foreplay." Mora has a laceration on his hand and is day-to-day.

  • Victor Jesus Martinez, Indians: Martinez hurt his finger in Thursday's game and was replaced by Kelly Shoppach. This week's bigger news was when he got his foot stuck in a sunflower seed bucket. I wish I was making this up. No word on whether or not he then slipped on a banana peel before falling into a puddle and having a safe fall on his head

  • Josh Willingham, Marlins: This is not a new injury, Willingham has been out since April 27, but things are not getting better. He has a herinated disc in his back and could miss as much as another month. The Marlins are winning without him but I'm sure they could use his bat. Remember kids, lift with your legs.

  • Erick Aybar, Angels: Aybar dislocated his pinkie(great picture there) which sounds both horribly painful and kind of wussy at the same time. He could miss up to 4 weeks. Rumor is he hurt it drinking chamomile tea.

  • Andruw Jones, Dodgers: Jones has some torn knee cartilage. He says he feels better but the team is skeptical and it looks like he may need surgery.This season has been a mild disappointment for Anrduw Jones.

  • Moises Alou, Mets: Ol' Pisshands strained his right calf putting him on the DL. This extends his streak of going on the DL for 31 straight seasons, an MLB record.

  • Jose Canseco: Threw his back out from shaking in his boots.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPGAlmost two months into the season, I guess we can start forgiving these guys for some of the wear and tear on their bodies, right? No way. They're weak and are a drag on the whole species.

  • J.D. Drew, Clay Buchholz, Red Sox: Well, except for J.D. I gotta give him a pass. He looks like a nice guy that went to a great university. He hyperextended his wrist sliding for a catch in right. What a hustler. He's not expected to go on the DL. On the other hand there's Buchholz who was placed on the DL the day after a lousy start in Minnesota. The culprit? A torn fingernail. Your Korean manicurist get a little overzealous this week, Clay? You disgust me.

  • Jeff Keppinger, Reds: Keppinger broke his knee cap and looks to be out 4-6 weeks. He fouled a ball off of it and it shattered like a fortune cookie. He stayed in for two more innings until tears could be seen streaming down his cheeks. This gives Dusty Baker the opportunity shuffle around the lineup and put in some more old Cubs. Keppinger will most likely be replaced by Shawon Dunston.

  • David Riske, Brewers: Riske was put on the 15 Day DL with a hyperextended right elbow. You don't see JD Drew going on the shelf for that weak sauce, do you? No. He's tough as nails. I hope Riske's injury doesn't throw a wrench in the fine tuned machine that is the Milwaukee bullpen.

  • Rafael Furcal, Dodgers: Furcal is having by far his best season in LA, but it's on hold for a little while. He was having lower back problems. He got a cortisone shot yesterday and said it "hit the spot." Sounds refreshing. Can I get one of those?

  • Nick Johnson, Nationals: Johnson is on the 15 Day DL for tearing his right tendon sheath. What the hell? Isn't that what the sheath is for? To take hits for the tendon? Wuss. Anyway, the Circle Of Life keeps working it's magic. Dmitiri Young is coming OFF the DL. Whee!

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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  • Esteban Loaiza, Dodgers: Loiza went on the DL with tightness and spasms in his shoulder. He should have had Regis rub some Aspercreme on it. Anyway there's some speculation that this could open the door for a Clayton Kershaw call-up. Squeeeee!

  • Pat Neshek, Twins: Neshek strained his elbow. There was some confusion after an initial report quoted him as saying "it snapped." I guess it didn't snap or anything or but they're goin.....zzzzzzzzzzz. Anyway I hope it's not serious. I have a hard time disliking a guy that trades baseball cards with readers on his message board.

  • Rickie Weeks, Brewers: Raped by a wallaby.

  • David Eckstein & John McDonald, Blue Jays: Both infielders landed on the DL this week with a strained hip flexor and a sprained ankle, respectively. According to the Canadian Press, "General manager J.P. Ricciardi said he has "some irons in the fire" to bring in a player from outside the organization, widely expected to be a hitter who excels against left-handed pitching. He also won't give up a player from the big-league roster to get him." I think it's Tony Fossas. Wait I got that all wrong. It's Brad Wilkerson.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPGSome very big names went down this week, proving the age old addage: "Money and fame can't buy you a set of balls, you fucking wimp."

  • Alex Rodriguez, Jorge Posada & Phil Hughes, Yankees: What a MASH unit. That's $45.1 Million on the DL. That's more than the total payroll of Florida or Tampa and almost as much as Oakland. Rodriguez has a class 2 strain in his quad which is pretty severe. It's not torn, and they're hoping he'll be ready after two weeks, but Rodriguez has said he had a similar injury in HS and it bothered him for two months.
    Posada has had four different doctors look at his shoulder this week and is waiting on MRI results from Dr. James Andrews, which is rarely good. See what happens when you make Giambi dump out all his HGH? You lose your elderly catcher to shoulder trouble in the first year of his retarded new contract.

    Finally, as we discussed earlier today, Phil Hughes has a cracked rib. He initially thought it was a strained oblique and got the bad news yesterday. He's out till July. It's a good thing George Steinbrenner isn't alive to see this.

  • John Smoltz, Braves: Smoltzy has some rotator cuff problems. The aforementioned Dr. Death, James Andrews, actually had some good news for a change saying that he saw no structural damage. When he returns he'll start in the beleaguered Atlanta bullpen.

  • Troy Tulowitzki, Rockies: Tulo has a torn quad and is out until at least the All-Star break, setting him up for the worst sophomore slump since Bloc Party. This is bittersweet because you never wanna see a guy get hurt, but I also traded him to Rob in a fantasy league for Scott Kazmir before the season started so that's pretty funny.

  • Chad Cordero, Nationals: A torn muscle in his shoulder landed the Nats closer on the DL today. He's expected to miss 4-6 weeks. I bet he's gonna get super fat on the couch eating bon bons and shit like that.