What's Up, Creampuff?: July 2008 Archives

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPGLast week I saw a game in Anaheim, tonight I will see one in Boston. Different coasts, a trip spanning an entire nation. Wimps everywhere.

  • Chipper Jones, Tim Hudson, Braves: These good ol' boys went down Wednesday night with a strained left hammy and right elbow tightness respectively. Neither have hit the DL yet but it doesn't sound especially promising. Bobby Cox screamed at both injuries and was ejected from the hospital.

  • Kerry Wood, Cubs: The Indestructible Mr. Wood hit the DL for the first time in his career, sidelined by a blister. I wonder if he got it in the All-Star game. I certainly did from typing for the duration of it. That's the last time I'll mention it, I promise.

  • Joey Gathwright, Royals: Joey has a bone bruise in his shoulder. WAY TO COP OUT, SKIN AND MUSCLES.

  • Derrick Turnbow, Brewers: According to ESPN Turnbow was placed on the DL after saying his shoulder "didn't feel right". Well either did that time my girlfriend tried that thing with the motor oil and licorice stick she read about in Cosmo, but you don't see me calling in sick to work do you? Buck up, buddy. Life is strange.

  • Jorge Posada, Yankees: Jorge is still pondering surgery on his shoulder. He's going to spend the 15 DL days rehabbing and making the decision on surgery at the end of that. It's a six month recovery if he opts for the knife. I would suggest he just rub some money on it.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPGI only call you a creampuff because you're acting like one.

  • Adam Loewen, Orioles: The stress fracture in Lowen's left elbow that led to last season's surgery has returned. That must be a lousy feeling. He's only been off the DL for one month after his recovery from that one. Tough to poke fun at this one.

  • Bobby Jenks, White Sox: Jenks hit the DL this week with Bursitis. I already made a joke yesterday about Bursitis being for old people, so today I'm going to joke that it sounds like the name of a lemon-lime soda.

  • Aaron Harang, Reds: Rob already made the joke yesterday that Dusty Baker murdered Aaron Harang's dead arm so today I'll just say that it sounds like a lemon-lime soda. What? He hasn't even had the MRI yet and is already heading to the DL so that's uh.. . not good.

  • Mike Napoli, Angels: Napoli is the latest victim of baseball's serial shoulder arsonist. This man must be brought to justice. One second you're a terribly weekend hitting catcher minding your own business, the next your shoulder is in flames. Tragic.

  • Moises Alou, Mets: When ballplayers play for a long time you hear people refer to them as "ageless." You certainly can't say that for Moises. He's had enough injuries to actually appear older than he is. This time it's a torn hamstring and this could be the end of his career. Unless he pisses on it.

  • Mark Mulder, Cardinals: Blink and you would have missed Mulder's return to the St. Louis rotation. His shoulder exploded or something and htis could be a disappointing end to a once solid career. Man today's injuries are kind of depressing, aren't they?

  • Vernon Wells, Dustin McGowan, Blue Jays: Vernon has a grade 2 hamstring pull which puts him out for 4-6 weeks. You can't say Wells isn't consistent. This is right in line with his history of one good year, one crappy year, one good year, one crappy year. McGowan is also looking at 4 weeks away but luckily for him and the Jays he won't need surgery on his rotator cuff.

  • Wes Helms, Marlins: Raped by a wallaby.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPGAs we approach this 4th Of July weekend, not only do we look back on that day in 1976 when Baby Jesus was born and visited America, bringing popcorn to the Indians, we also reflect on those less fortunate then us. People like those listed below, who are such injury riddled invalids that they can't lick a stamp without getting hurt.

  • Magglio Ordonez, Tigers: The Big Tilde is on the DL for the forseeable future. In fact, El Permo will come back and play when he's damn well ready. I think that's fair. Pulled right obliques don't heal on their own you know. Actually, yeah I guess they do. Whatever.

  • Hideki Matsui, Yankees: Matsui, a man I've always feared the most when coming to bat against my team, is "hobbled" by a left knee injury. There's swelling and all kinds of other nasty stuff. Talk from the trainers is cautiously optimistic. Even worse, is that this is a different knee than Matsui had surgery on in the offseason. Even worsest, he's tried rubbing dirty panties on it and it's not helping.

  • Troy Percival, Rays: One of the dangers of having an elderly closer is that things just start spontaneously straining, snapping and disintegrating. On Percival this week it was the hamstring. Contrary to most soundbites in these situations Percival says he's fighting "an uphill battle" and things aren't getting much better. Sounds like my job too.

  • Chris Snyder, Diamondbacks: GAAH! TESTICLE FRACTURE! Move on, move on, next guy, next guy....

  • Rafael Furcal, Dodgers: Back surgery always sounds serious to me. Optimistic looks like 2 months, reality looks like season ending. That's a tough one as he was one of the offensive bright spots for this team early in the season. I saw a cartoon in the New Yorker last week where a doc says to a patient, "Well the good news is that the surgery will cure your back pain, the bad news is you'll have nothing to talk about." I laughed then looked down on people that don't read The New Yorker.

  • Matt Capps, Pirates: Madcap closer Matt Capps has an inflamed shoulder. He's out eight weeks but will not require surgery. Anyone got a joke here? I got nothin.

  • Felix Hernandez, Mariners: So I'm actually writing to you today from the lovely space needle in Seattle and I just learned of King Felix's trip to the DL with a sprained ankle and... OH MY GOD GEOFF BAKER ALMOST JUST LANDED ON ME.