What's Up, Creampuff?: January 2009 Archives

stretcher.JPGHey, it's been awhile since I made fun of pansy ballplayers and the weak excuses they use to sit at home and collect paychecks while watching Gossip Girl. But fear not painfans, Creampuff is back and today we'll be taking a look at guys that are absoultely, positively not going to be ready for opening day. Whether it's because of offseason surgery, famine, pestilence or general laziness you won't see the following Marys on the field for your favorite squadron come Spring.

  • Tim Hudson, Braves: Hudson is said to be "pushing himself" to return from offseason Tommy John surgery, but the Braves are mostly planning to be without him for all of 2009. Tomahawk fever. Catch it.

  • John Smoltz, Red Sox: Smoltzy was introduced with his Sox jersey and whatnot. According to that story the team has actually slowed down his rehab schedule. This will ensure he's in peak form when he gets back. If the Sox make the playoffs, be ready to talk about John Smoltz. If they don't, be ready to listen to my Dad say that there needs to be a second wild card in each league.

  • Jose Contreras, White Sox: After Contreras hurt his achilles last season, many speculated that could be a career ender for the 68 year old hurler. This offseason, doctors opened the leg to operate and a bat flew out. The company line is that he's still trying to return for the summer.

  • Jake Westbrook, Indians: Looks to be out until mid-July after Tommy John. So terrible at playing baseball that Indians fans are optimistic at having Carl Pavano filling in during his absence.

  • Kelvim Escobar, Angels: After turning in one great year, Kelvim Escobar had a shoulder injury that looked to derail his whole career. Word right now is that he's optimistic about a July return. Did you know someone sued him for giving her roofies once? I hope he still has a good pill connection. Surgery can be painful.

  • Pat Neshek, Twins: Out for entire 2009 season with torn ligament in elbow. Will have plenty of time to write for his blog. Maybe enough time to write for ours too. I'm busier than I was last year.

  • Billy Wagner, Mets: Also missing the entire 2009 season with an elbow problem. Preemptively made it so I couldn't make fun of him in Creampuff when he had that sobby press conference with his son.

  • Chase Utley, Phillies: Utley fell at a canasta tournament being held at his grandaughters Debutante Ball and required hip surgery. They grow up so fast. He'll be out through April. This has fueled rumors the Phils may sign Nomar. Neat.

  • Shaun Marcum, Blue Jays: Out for 2009. Never underestimate The Curse of CTC.