What's Up, Creampuff?: March 2009 Archives

Only one more week of spring training. Better start eating your steroids, guys! Payday is comin' soon and in this economy owners are gonna lowball any invalid on the roster.

• Stephen Drew, Snakes: The Year Of The Abdominal Injury rolls on. Florida State Seminole Stephen Drew has one. It's not serious, but still I'm gonna program in a keyboard shortcut for that ailment. ctrl+apple+ribs. Mmm... applewood smoked ribs.


• Alex Gonzalez, Reds: Gonzalez "tweaked" his hammy in Monday's game. Dusty Baker said he's "scared" but it's "just a little spot. No defect to the muscle." That's good. If there was a defect in the muscle God would have to put out a recall or something. Like he did with the Dodo Bird. Thing was just bursting into flames like a Pinto.


• Adam Everett, Nate Robertson, Tigers: Both guys got hurt in the same game this week. Everett sprained an ankle, Robertson sprained his thumb. X-rays were negative for both which is good news, especially for Robertson. He's gonna need that thumb to hitchhike if he posts another ERA north of 6. There's always Gum Time!


• John Lackey, Torii Hunter, Angels: Lackey has elbow tightness and Hunter borkened his nose on a CF wall. Lackey is being shut down which is bad news for a team that'll be missing Ervin Santana when the season starts too. At least Kelvim Escobar is progressing well. They're gonna need him. There's no denying Hunter's injury, his face was all bloody like Lackey's would have been had he accepted my challenge to fight last fall.


• Chad Billingsley, Mark Loretta, Dodgers: Both Billingsley and Loretta have groin problems. Just because the Dodgers are in LA doesn't mean they have to subscribe to every new Hollywood Fitness plan. Both injuries were sustained during a morning session of Jodie Sweetin's Extreme Meth Pilates.


• Ryan Braun, Brewers: Braun's intercostal (read: ABDOMINALALAL REGION) keeps acting up. He thinks he's fine then he gets pulled from a game with pain. X-rays are negative but he's still been told not to swing a bat. Teammate Rickie Weeks told him not to worry, he played all last season without swinging one.


• Justin Duchscherer, A's: While making his first start of the Spring, Duchscherer's elbow pain returned almost immediately and he's going to start the season on the DL. My sources tell me Duch could be shelved until doctors construct a robot arm capable of pitching a baseball.

Did you know that Rimadyl, a pain reliever for dogs, was originally made for humans? It proved successful but was later withdrawn on "commercial grounds." You try keeping up with those marketing bastards at Aleve. They never sleep. So now if your dog has arthritis he eats it. Maybe we can ship some to the following fragile pups.

• Chipper Jones, Braves: Larry took swings from both sides of the plate, did some fielding and says he's ready for the second round of the WBC in Miami after straining his oblique. Go getcha some Arepas, Chipstick.


• Marcus Thames, Tigers: More strained stomach muscles. 2009 is the Year Of The Abdomen. Mark my words. I'm the baseballblogosphere's second most prominent injury guy. Thames will miss about a week, but the oblique has this column on lockdown.


• Alfredo Amezaga, Marlins: What was just a tweak two weeks ago is now a sprain that's going to keep him out 4-6 weeks. I don't have any more jokes about him. Wish I did. Sorry.


• Chris Volstad, Marlins: Volstad left the Marlins' game against the Cardinals after taking a line drive off his thigh. No word on whether it was the blue or yellow one.


• Joe Saunders, Brian Fuentes, Angels: Saunders has tightness in his shoulder, Fuentes has tightness in his back. Neither have tightness in their rhymes. Terrible, terrible rappers. But srsly Angels pitchers got some health problems.


• Joe Mauer, Twins: Mauer has an inflammation of the right sacroiliac joint which, I learned this week, makes his butt hurt


• Erik Bedard, Mariners: Bedard strained his buttocks which, I learned in kindergarten, makes his butt hurt.


• Fernando Perez, Rays: Perez is going to be out 3 months with a dislocated wrist. Perez says it would actually have been an easier recovery if he had just broken the wrist. Once I finish dictating this column I'll get him the number of my bookie.

The hardest part of writing Creampuff is this witty opening paragraph where I call everyone a nancy. So instead I present this paragraph from AJ Burnett's wikipedia:

The Toronto Blue Jays took a chance by signing Burnett to a five-year deal due to his history of injuries, and the 2006 season began with him going on the disabled list when a piece of scar tissue -- remnants of his "Tommy John" surgery -- broke off in his pitching arm. However, some baseball commentators like RotoWorld and Tim Dierkes sill considered the signing worthwile, since many of the other free agent pitchers that year, like Matt Morris and Paul Byrd had less impressive career stats, even though they had fewer health risks.

Oh, that's rich. On to the fragiles.

• Mark Hendrickson, Orioles: Hendrickson is out with back stiffness, which the USA today says, "further vaidates the acquisition of Adam Eaton" proving that under dire enough circumstances absolutely any human decision can be justified.


• Brad Penny, Red Sox: Penny was scratched for a start this week and is still having enough shoulder discomfort that he has to throw off flat ground. But, that's why they got him for a balloon and a handful of popcorn, so no one should act all put out over it.


• Alex Rodriguez, Yankees: Who?


• Taylor Buchholz, Rockies: Buchholz has a partial tear in a ligament in his throwing elbow. Apparently that only puts you out for a month so his fate is better than that of the Rocky Mountain News. RIP.


• Gerald Laird, Tigers: Laird strained his quad yesterday which is kind of eerie because I drank one.


• Brian Giles, Padres: Giles felt tightness in his quad on Saturday which is kind of eerie because he is an alleged wifebeating lowlife.


• Scott Proctor, Marlins: The Marlins are shutting their would be setup man down for at least a week. How unsurprising is this? I don't know, why don't you ask the guys that named their damn blog "Scott Proctor's Arm"


• Rob Iracane, Walkoff Walk: Common cold.


• Shawn Hill, Nats: Hill had elbow surgery last year and is still experiencing soreness. Dr. Andrews is coming to visit. Not good. Poor kid. I blame Jim Bowden.