What's Up, Creampuff?: April 2009 Archives

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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You know what hurts? I'll tell you what hurts. Getting smacked in the face with a shovel. THAT hurts. Once one of these ballplayers misses a game because he got smacked in the face with a shovel I'll stop calling these guys creampuffs, ninnies, nancies, fruits, flakes, fragile porcelain mice, and wimps. But not until then. Now, they are still all of the above.

  • Brian McCann, Braves: McCann had blurry vision all week that has now been corrected with a contact lense. I think he's been reading in the dark like his mom told him not to. AND eating cookies in bed.

  • Rocco Baldelli, Jed Lowrie Red Sox: Oh, Rocco. We just love you too damn much around here, esp now that you and I are Bros For Life. We're not going to say anything bad about your hamstring strain. We're just going to hold our breath until you get off the 15 day DL. I'll probably pass out after like 2 minutes, but whatever. Lowrie had wrist surgery and will be swinging a bat again in 6 weeks. He'll continue to be a swinger, sexually, throughout his entire rehab.

  • Marcus Thames, Tigers: This week's midsection sickie . He has a "severe" ribcage strain. I just did a google image search for "strained rib cage" cause I had this witty joke I was gonna make. It's all pictures of baseball players. I guess that's a good enough joke right there.

  • Andrew Miller, Jorge Cantu, Marlins: Guess what Miller has. Nope, not lice. Good guess though. Oblique strain! He's on the deel. Burke Badenhop replaces him on the roster instantly overtaking Kelly Johnson as the girliest named player in MLB. And that's saying something. My name is Kris. Sassy Senior Jorge Cantu has a minor wrist thing. In his abdomen. Wait, what?

  • Darren Oliver, Angels: Oliver is the sixth Angels pitcher to land on the deel already. And Kelvim Escobar had a setback. That's tough stuff. Where is Christopher Lloyd when you need him? No not because of that movie, but because I pay him to mow my lawn. And it needs mowing.

  • Doug Mientkiewicz, Dodgers: Florida State Seminole Doug Mientkiewicz had shoulder surgery and will be out until September. That's a long time to be without a lousy hitter and late inning defensive replacement. Tread lightly Dodger fans.

  • Ryan Doumit, Pirates: Doomy (that's what I call him) is out about 2 months with a broken wrist bone. Which is connected to the hand bone. Which is often connected to a High Life.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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newstretcher.JPGDid you know it takes over one week to install a new DC IN on a laptop? Me either until this week! So I'm traveling, unfortunately without my computer. Creampuff is being brought to you this week from an internet "cafe" in New York where I just literally fed bills into the CPU like it was a vending machine. And there's no coffee anywhere. Good times. Stupid Creampuff'd laptops.

  • Yuniel Escobar, Braves: Escobar injured himself in the on deck circle by jumping up and down. And once again, another athlete is cut short in his prime by having ants in his pants. Tragic.

  • Melvin Mora, Alfredo Simon, Orioles: Mora hurt his hamstring and is out for about two weeks. The rookie, Simon could be out much longer with "degenerative issues" in his shoulder. Very vague, but I'm going to guess his elbow got caught up in either gambling, prostitution or reading With Leather. Zing!

  • Daisuke Matsuzaka, Jed Lowrie, Red Sox: Matsuzaka has arm fatigue which is very problematic for me on two levels. One, he's a starter for my favorite team and two, now Rob gets to squawk about hopw bad the WBC is for pitchers. Blech. Lowrie has had wrist problems but will not need surgery, however doctors did need to use the jaws of life to remove his Livestrong bracelet.

  • Milton Bradley, Cubs: Milton has been unable to start thus far while nursing a groin injury, but he pinch hit last night. And was promptly ejected for arguing balls and strikes. Milton Bradley. A hero to frail hotheads across America, and one of my favorite players.

  • DeWayne Wise, White Sox: Across town, the DeWayne Wise leadoff experiment is probably over for now as he was put on the deel with a separated shoudler. He'll be gone almost two months. Bad news for him and for our t-shirt makers.

  • Kaz Matsui, Brian Moehler, Astros: Matsui was kept out of the lineup this week with a stiff back. But everyone say it with me now, "at least it wasn't an anal fissure like last year!" Moehler has a Grade 1 MCL sprain and won't be able to chip away at his 27.00 ERA anytime soon

  • Alex Gordon, Royals: Hey remember last week when Alex Gordon had "finally arrived" as an impact player? Well his hip couldn't handle all that success and he's having surgery to repair some torn cartlage. Cartilage of the future!

  • Matt Stairs, Phillies: Raped by a wallaby.

  • Vlad Guerrero, Angels: This quote is taken from the ESPN.com injuries page:

    "After the game [Wednesday], the chest muscle near the shoulder was bothering me more than the previous game," Guerrero said. "I did a little self-examination and thought it was more swollen than before. The trainers have me going back to L.A. to have it checked."

    I can't be the only one that read that and decided he's going back to LA to have a mammogram, right?

  • Xavier Nady, Yankees: Nady is on the deel with elbow problems but is having more tests done in the hopes avoiding surgery. I did the same thing once when I got stabbed. I went for a second opinion and the doctor was like, "Yeah dude, you definitely got stabbed." Turned out to be more of a waste of time and co-payments than anything else. Just have the surgery, X-Man.

  • Kenji Jojima, Mariners: The M's backstop injured his hammy and landed on the DL. Perfect opening for Jeff Clement, right? Nope. Dude is hitting .053 in AAA and the team actually has him fielding grounders at first. That can't be a good sign from a once can't miss sounding prospect. 37 year old Jamie Burke is your new Seattle catcher.

  • Chris Carpenter, Cardinals: Well that was a fun comeback, huh? Carpenter made two starts then tore an oblique muscle. For a Cardinals fan this has to be the equivalent of getting one of those really elaborate slot car tracks when you were a kid. You know, the ones that worked once and then never again.

  • Jesse Litsch, Blue Jays: According to the AP Jesse Litsch "broke the #1 rule of pitching. Trying to pitch through arm pain." This landed him on the DL with forearm pain. I always thought the #1 rule of pitching was "Don't turn around and throw a tomato into centerfield." Because, 1. the batter is in the other direction and B. a tomato is not a baseball.

(UPDATE: I'm pretty sure the old lady behind the counter here just got rickroll'd and let the whole song play. There was no music before or after.)

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPG Will also not be seen today. I just got back to Boston last night. That was one hell of a homecoming party. I'm gonna find y'all a Classic TV Friday though.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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Whew that was one long Spring Training. Players were sick of camp when I spoke to them 3 weeks ago, but this past week every single thing they said was punctuated with "I'm just ready to get out of here and get the season started."

So how was your slider working out there? Oh, pretty good, it was diving. I'm just ready to get out of here and get the season started.

Do you think you guys have solved some of your bullpen problems? Yeah I think we made some smart acquisitions. I'm just ready to get out of here and get the season started.

Are reporters allowed to have some of that Gatorade? Yeah go right ahead the cups are down on the right. I'm just ready to get out of here and get the season started.

Lots of dudes got hurt, both in camp and at the WBC, but there was more than enough time for them to rest up and heal afterwards. If guys got hurt two or three weeks ago, their teams have taken special care of them to make sure they'd be ready for Monday. While this super long Spring may have bored the bejeezus out of some guys, it may allow for some of the healthiest Opening Day rosters we've seen in years. Well, not including the following dummies who got hurt too late.

  • Brian Roberts, Orioles: Roberts' list of ailments is so long it looks like it's supposed to be for the whole team. Just in the past two weeks he's had a respiratory infection, back spasms and now the ubiquitous oblique strain. I'm not going to say he's fragile but I did see him riding around camp on a Hover Round.

  • Bronson Arroyo, Reds: Arroyo has fallen victim to that bane of all typists/stenographers/telegraph operators, carpal tunnel syndrome. Oh yeah it's probably not good for pitchers/guitar players either. He had a flare up last year, but didn't miss a start. Apparently this time it's especially nasty. Like the face melters he plays on his Ibanez.

  • Dontrelle Willis, Jeremy Bonderman, Tigers: The Tigers' rough camp continued as a controversial blood test showed Dontrelle Willis having an anxiety disorder and he was sent back to Detroit for further evaluation. Every two bit Grey's Anatomy watching hack in the blogosphere immediately cried "phony" but with psychiatric issues I'm inclined to give the benefit of the doubt. Bonderman's problem is more simple. His shoulder burst into flames.

  • Scott Baker, Twins: Minnesota's Opening Day starter is no longer Minnesota's Opening Day starter. Baker is hitting the deel with shoulder stiffness. Take a cold shower! Lulz. Joe Crede and Justin Morneau also missed games this week. All these injuries problems will be solved next year when the Twins are playing outside in 10 degree weather.

  • Joey Devine, A's: The Oakland starter reliever has elbow problems, is hitting the deel and subsequently brings us our first Dr. Death sighting of 2009. Hello, James how was your winter?

  • Ben Grieve, Retired: Raped by a wallaby.

  • Cha Seung Baek, Padres: The Bros' #3 starter has a forearm strain severe enough to put him on the List. This gives the immortal Shawn Hill a shot in the rotation. Hey if you're trying to bounceback I imagine Petco is a pretty solid place to give it a shot. BELIEVE IN SHAWN HILL.

  • Jonathan Sanchez, Giants: Sanchez burned his finger this week while cooking rice and beans. No word on whether he threw his back out trying to carry that gigantic sterotype.