What's Up, Creampuff?: May 2009 Archives

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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First, some good news to report. No major leaguers were raped by wallabys this week. The neighborhood watches are really working. It just goes to show that community involvement is the most effective tool in combating Marsupial Sex Crimes. Keep up the good work and stay vigilant everybody.

  • Buddy Carlyle, Braves: After begging out of the role of the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz due to an extreme allergy to the silver makeup used during filming, he later found success in television. First, as private dick Barnaby Jones, then lovable country bumpkin Jed Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies. Oh I'm sorry, that's Buddy Ebsen. Carlyle hurt his back.

  • Rocco Baldelli, Red Sox: My friend Rocco, is dealing with lingering hamstring issues that could be related to his mitochondrial problem. Looks like it's time to take down the "I'm feeling good" sign.

  • Ryan Freel, Farney, Cubs: Both Freel and Farney are on the deel with strained left hammies, making this the 12th consecutive time they've both suffered the exact same injury at the exact same time, dating back to when Freel's mother dropped him on his head.

  • Rafael Furcal, Dodgers: Furcal returned to the lineup last night but if you thought I was going to leave someone with a strained buttock off of this list you don't read this site very much.

  • Nomar Garciaparra, A's: Nomar re-injured the right calf muscle that had already sidelined him earlier in the year, thus completing the rare feat of hurting every part of his body twice. When I was writing about Eric Chavez last week I came across an article that said Nomar was signed as an "insurance policy" in case Chavez couldn't get/stay healthy. If he was a real insurance policy the salesman would be arrested.

  • Brett Myers, Phillies: Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Myers is looking at 3-4 months of rehab following his upcoming hip surgery. It's a blow to the Champs' rotation but also greatly increases their likability.

  • Kenji Johjima, Mariners: J/Ohjima was placed on the deel and is looking at 6-8 weeks of sitting due to a broken big toe. Jeff Clement "accidentally" dropped a bowling ball on it, but alas he has a knee injury preventing him from catching so the Mariners called up Guillermo Quiroz. Quiroz is hitting .188 with no home runs. CATCH MARINERS CATCHER FEVER.

  • Aki Iwomura, Jason Bartlett, Rays: Whoops. Right after I declared the Rays dead for 2009 they lost their entire middle infield. CTC IS A WITCH. Aki is out for the year but Bartlett is going to miss only the minium 15 days, due to his scrappiness.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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  • Chipper Jones, Omar Infante, Braves: Rub Chipper's bunions for him. He aggravated an existing one and says "I HAVE SWELLING ON THE JOINT ALREADY." He is questionable for their series with Toronto this weekend. Infante is not questionable, he's on the deel with a broken finger. This article refers to him as a versatile veteran which is also how I'd describe Regis Philbin and and Bob Vila.

  • Carlos Quentin, White Sox: Carlos also has trouble with los pies. The slugger has plantar fasciitis which used to be called plantar's warts I think. Between this and the bunions I hope you're not reading whilst eating.

  • Edinson Volquez, Joey Votto, Reds: That vaunted (by me) Reds rotation takes a hit, as Volquez lands on the deel with back spasms. His injury brings about one sure sign of summer. As sure as the opening of beaches, the starting of grills and the opening of lousy films, Homer Bailey will mark the start of the dog days with a disappointing call up. Go get em, Homes. Votto has an ear infection and will miss the last week of first grade.

  • Alfredo Amezaga, Marlins: It's rare to see this type of candor when speaking about injuries but Amezaga hit the deel this week due to a combination of a knee bruise and the fact that the Florida bullpen sucks. Refreshingly honest!

  • Rickie Weeks, Brewers: Now here's a guy that can't catch a break. Weeks has spent the past couple seasons alternating between being on the DL with a bum right wrist, and looking lost at the plate. He came into 2009 healthy and was off to his best start ever showing some real power at the plate. Alas, fate is cruel and he just had season ending surgery to repair a torn sheath in his left wrist. Poor bastard.

  • Glen Perkins, Twins: Perkins is on the 15 day with swelling in his elbow. It isn't believed to be serious and he'll only miss a couple of starts. It could even be a blessing in disguise, allowing Perkins some free time to work on his IPhone app that records your dreams.

  • Gary Sheffield, Mets: Sheff missed a few games with food poisoning. I thought the food at Citi was supposed to good.

  • Edgar Renteria, Giants: Lingering hamstring issues have kept Edgar out of the lineup for the past 4 games. Lingering jamon issues from Spain have kept Rob in the office bathroom since Tuesday.

  • Vicente Padilla, Rangers: Rob and I were discussing the rubber arms of Kevin Millwood and Vicente Padilla this week, whilst looking at the high number of innings and pitches that Rangers starters are throwing this season. Apparently Padilla's whole body aint made out of the stuff though. He's got a strain in the deltoid muscle behind his throwin shoulder. Whoops.

  • Don Baylor, Rockies: Raped by a wallaby.

  • Elijah Dukes, Nationals: Elijah landed on the DL this week with hamstring issues, bringing a whole new meaning to the term Voodoo Sabermetrics. Scary, y'all.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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  • Conor Jackson, Snakes: Jackson was placed on the 15 day deel with "a general illness." It's a serious issue who's symptoms include general malaise, general nausea, General Motors and Sgt. Slaughter. He had been struggling as of late, but Arizona must take great pains with his treatment to ensure that he doesn't test positive for Dimetapp.

  • Adam Jones, Orioles: My second favorite Non-Boston AL East player strained his hamstring on Wednesday and had to leave the game. Best to rest those things on a quick player before they get too severe. This can weaken the structural integrity of the hamstring and cause it to snap whenever a player speeds up past walking. See: Ken Griffey Jr, for most of this decade.

  • Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox: Youk's oblique injury that we mentioned last week was bad enough to land him on the deel Tuesday night. He plans to spend his time off catching up on Grey's Anatomy repeats and finally making that triangle costume for his cat, Miss Penelope.

  • Joey Votto, Reds: Votto has been smacking the ball around, but left Wednesday night's game with dizziness. Prior to that game, he had suffered a bout with the flu and missed four games. He needs to stop hanging out with Conor Jackson. In Guadalajara.

  • Nate Robertson, Tigers: Robertson hurt his back while doing squats which sounds like it is 100% made up. He's on the DL but we need the real story here. Let's go to our Walkoff Walk Detroit Correspondent, Joh... oh, really? I guess we laid him off.

  • Josh Johnson, Marlins: Johnson left his start early on Wednesday with weakness in his right shoulder. He'd been the best pitcher on the Marlins up to this point and said there wasn't any pain in his shoulder, it just didn't feel right. He also told his shoulder "it's not you, it's me."

  • Brian Bannister, Royals: Man every pitcher I talked well about this week got hurt. Bannnister yanked himself* from his last start with stiffness** in his shoulder. Not good for that slipping squad.

  • Erik Bedard, Mariners: Bedard will miss his start against the Red Sox tomorrow with a tight hamstring. I hadn't said anything nice about him yet, but I was thinking about it. NOT NOW, WIMPY.

  • Ryan Ludwick, Cardinals: Ludwick hit the deel with a hamstring problem. It looks like, in one of the true upsets of this young season, Hamstring steals a week from Oblique as most ubiquitous injury. Way to go, Hamstring. You've earned it. People in STL are freaking out.

*ha

**haha

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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newstretcher.JPG My only work injury this week was to my ego when my boss disapproved of a couple frames I was building and sent me back to the warehouse to haul some shit. DEMOTION.

  • Tony Clark, Snakes: Clark sprained his wrist and landed on the deel. In his stead, Arizona has called up a gentleman named Josh Whitesell. Because they are racist.

  • Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox: Youk has sat out the past three games after tweaking his oblique in Monday night's game against the Yankees. He seemed to place some of the blame on ESPN for starting the rain delayed contest on short notice. Maybe he should be a sports blogger. In any case you can't blame ESPN for the Year Of The Oblique.

  • Derrek Lee, Cubs: Derrek Lee has a bulgin disc in his neck but says "It's impossible" that he'll end up on the DL. DERREK LEE IS DR. MANHATTAN HE CAN SEE THE FUTURE IN HIS MARS CASTLE. Either that or his neck doesn't really hurt that badly.

  • Alex Gonzalez, Reds: Gonzalez, who missed all of last year with a knee injury, strained his oblique Monday night against the Marlins whilst flying out. Ctrl+Apple+O = "strained his oblique." Whoops, that just brought up a huge topless picture of Oprah. EMBARASSING.

  • Carlos Guillen, Tigers: Guillen's right shoulder burst into flames, but he wasn't really hitting anyway. Plus, it allowed the tigers to call up Clete Thomas and MLB is just better when there's a guy named Clete involved. That's science.

  • Oliver Perez, Mets: Two days after getting yanked out of the rotation, Ollie was dropped on the deel with a knee problem. Well, I guess that's one way to free up a roster spot since he won't go to the minors. Has there been a more phony injury yet this season? Teams can pretty much make up any reason they want to put a guy on there, huh?

  • Rick Ankiel, Cardinals: Yeah, that'll put you on the DL for a few days.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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newstretcher.JPGSo I'm a carpenter now when I'm not blogging for you nice folks. Lifting giant set pieces over my head, using table saws, bandsaws, hammers, nail guns etc. Yesterday was my fourth day and had miraculously avoided any injuries. Then I got sent to pick up some stuff at Home Depot... AND SLICED OPEN MY HAND ON A PIECE OF PLYWOOD. There was blood all over Home Depot. Only I could work for a week in a wood shop and sustain my only injury at the store. I'm such a creampuff.

  • Koji Uehara,Orioles: Koge got hit in the sternum with a line drive and is listed as day to day. Can we blame this on the Year Of The Abdomen Injury? I know it's higher up, but a thorax is a thorax.

  • Travis Hafner, Indians: Hafner, on the comeback trail after a shoulder injury limited him to 57 games last year, is back on the DL with an ouchie in the same shoulder. Sounds like terrible news right? Apparently Indians manager Eric Wedge is high because he says, "We don't think it's anything serious." Ok, buddy.

  • Jose Valverde, Astros: Here's a gross one for you. Ho-Valve has some hematomas in his leg that need to be drained. If I was in the OR for this one, I'd save the fluid in a Dixie Cup and sell it on Ebay.

  • Brad Lidge, Phillies: Lidge has some pain in his right knee that has kept him sidelined this week. Todd Zolecki says a trip to the DL "is not imminent" which really isn't that comforting. What would you say if I said I hadn't seen Evil Dead 2 yet? You'd think I wanted to right?

  • Nate McLouth, Pirates: Oh, bleak. Not really he's supposed to be back today.

  • Augie Ojeda, Diamondbacks: Raped by a wallaby.

  • BJ Ryan, Blue Jays: Not only is Beej on the deel, he's getting straight shutdown. Who do the Blue Jays think they are with all these pitching injuries, The Angels?