What's Up, Creampuff?: June 2009 Archives

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It's a veritable M*A*S*H unit out there, people! Especially in the nurses' office at CitiField. You Mets are snake-bitten. Let's get right to it.

  • Jeff Bennett, Braves: After giving up a go-ahead, two-run single to A-Rod on Wednesday night, Bennett punched a door in the hallway just outside the dugout and broke the fifth metacarpal on his hand. Pretty normal for a caveman athlete, right? BUT THEN BENNETT PUSHED THE BONE BACK IN PLACE AND CAME OUT TO PITCH THE NEXT INNING. I may have a higher IQ than Bennett but I sit here in awe of the utter manliness of someone strong enough and dumb enough to do something like that. Fifteen day deel.

  • Adam Dunn, Nationals: Any time a baseball slugger is forced to sit out because of a wrist injury, I think about how much power goes through the wrists during a swing. I have enough trouble getting my girlish wrists to type up a liveglog, so I feel the big guy's pain. So does Joe Beimel.

  • Evan Longoria, Rays: Sure, he may lead the balloting for third base in the All Star Game voting results, but the little fella needs to be handled with kid gloves when his hamstring starts to burn a bit. His right hammy kept him out of the lineup last night but he should be good to go for the Rays huge intrastate weekend series vs Los Marlinos.

  • Josh Outman, Athletics: Dude's got a sprained left elbow, similar to an injury he had back in high school. The rookie pitcher is cruising with a 3-1 record and a tidy 3.48 ERA but methinks this smells of Dr. James Andrews territory. The A's have used the disabled list about as frequently as Jason Giambi uses the drive-thru board at Arby's.

  • Matt Lindstrom, Marlins: Another WBC casualty?!? Another sprained elbow? Another injury for Florida's closer, who missed part of spring training with an ouchie rotator cuff? Lindstrom has converted 14 of 16 save opportunities but that 6.52 ERA is as glaring as his 100 MPH fastball. Or his collection of 1960s Swedish art movies on 16mm film. Oh Ingmar Bergman, you card.

  • Brian Giles, Padres: Baseball's least valuable player is actually more valuable to his team while on the deel. Ol' Frankie Tansalot will miss at least a coupla weeks with a knee contusion. Let me get over my fear of heights and inch out forward on this wobbly tree limb: Brian Giles career is D-U-N done.

  • David Bush, Brewers: David and Bush missed his first start in his professional career yesterday and he'll probably miss his second and third and fourth and fifth. Bush suffered a micro-tear in his triceps and won't come back until after the All Star break. With Manny Parra already demoted to the minors, the Brewers rotation is beginning to look a bit Ueckeresque.

  • Carlos Beltran, Mets: Carlos will seek a second opinion on his balky knee since he trusts the Mets medical staff about as much as the state of South Cackalacky trusts its governor. RELEVANT TOPICAL HUMOR ALERT.

  • Ervin Santana, Angels: This guy's been hurt more this year than a hyper-emotional middle schooler with an acne problem. Dude's got tightness in his forearm, which can't be good for a pitcher but can be loosened up with some good ol' fashioned yo-yo action.

  • Daisuke Matsuzaka, Red Sox: I'd blame the WBC for this one, too, but I'd rather stick it to a combination of overuse during his Japanese career and Dice-K's obsession with Tiger Woods Golf on the Wii. That shit's addictive!

  • Eric Byrnes, Diamondbacks: Scott Feldman did us all a great disservice, breaking Eric Byrnes' hand with a pitch and sending him to the DL for 4-to-8 weeks; with so much free time on his hands, Byrnes will be sure to pop up during nationally televised baseball games to irk us.

newstretcher.JPGI know I'm only the weekend guy around here, but I'll be damned if I'd let real life come between our beloved readers and their Creampuffery. It's a Friday tradition, like coming to work two hours late and drunk. Or stealing office supplies from the local office supply store.

  • Every Blue Jays pitcher, Blue Jays: With Roy Halladay heading to the DL with a groin ouchy, that makes 4 of 2008's 5 starters on the Blue Jays shelf. Add current closer Scott Downs and former long-term Creampuff Casey Janssen and you've got yourself a Canadian catastrophe. On the plus side, the Jays physical trainer was added to the all-star team staff! No, really. He was.

  • Mike Hampton, Astros/Erik Bedard, Mariners: Two sides of the same brittle coin. Hampton's out with advanced muscle atrophy, Bedard's felled by diphtheria of the shoulder. That otta kill his trade value! The first signs of summer have arrived!

  • Dontrelle Willis, Tigers: Deep sigh.

  • Coco Crisp, Kyle Farnsworth, Royals: Crisp is out with a strained right rotator cuff, suffered in a brazen attempt to heave a baseball back toward the infield. No word on his return, the team expects him to trickle back towards the team not unlike a Coco Crisp relay attempt. Farnsworth suffered hand lacerations trying to separate his fighting dogs. Fighting dogs? Kyle Farnsworth will soon be appearing on our next listicle: What's Up Prisonpuff? Dudes That Got Traded for a Carton of Kools.

  • Raul Ibanez, Phillies: Mild strain of his righteous indignation. Raped by a wallaby's Wordpress account.

  • Jason Isringhausen, Rays: Torn elbow ligament. Out for the year and possibly forever. A trip to Birmingham at 37 isn't something to look forward to. Hmmm, 18 months of torturous rehab or quality trophy wife time? Here's hoping Izzie opts for leisureman over mopupman.
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  • J.J. Putz, John Maine, Mets: It's never a smart move to overspend on a dude who's going to pitch, at most, 5% of the nearly 1500 innings a major league pitching staff needs over the course of a season. Nobody told Omar Minaya, though, because he did it on two dudes, one of whom is now borkened. Putz had bone spurs removed from his elbow; they're floating in formaldehyde in a mason jar on his credenza right now. Maine's on the deel just resting his weak shoulder. He's like veal.

  • Cesar Izturis, Orioles: Izturis is out with an appendix. Or rather, an appendix is out of Izturis. Easy Ceezy was rushed to the hospital last week after complaining of sharp tum-tum pains.The O's shortstop will be spending the next few weeks licking ice cream cones while he recovers from the surgery. Or wait, is licking ice cream cones what you do when you have your tonsils removed? I can never remember.

  • Eric Milton, Dodgers: The 59-year-old Milton, who had finally come back after recovering from Tommy John surgery, was placed on the DL with a balky back. Says skipper Joe Torre, "We just shut him down because of his history with the surgery and stuff." Yeah that 'stuff' can be really dangerous.

  • Josh Hamilton, Rangers: Stop voting for Josh Hamilton on your Home Run Derby ballots, people. He's not going to make a repeat performance after his recent abdominal surgery that will sideline him for four to six weeks. Heck, can you imagine how hard you'd have to swing a bat to tear an abdominal muscle? It seems as if regular folks like me only do stuff like that when we sneeze.

  • this seagull, some flock: Out with a sore wing, but it was all worth it to make Farnsworth lose a game.

  • Jorge Cantu, Marlins: Our favorite sassy senior needs his eldercare specialist to change up his cholesterol medications. That Vytorin was not only making his relatives look like foodstuffs, it was making Jorge fall down and go boom. Cantu will solve the dizzy spells by quitting the cholesterol drug during the season, which does nothing to solve his clogged arteries.

  • Brandon McCarthy, Rangers: Dude has a stress fracture in his right shoulder blade, the same ouchie that kept him out for a month in 2007. I have a revolutionary corrective surgical plan for Brandon in the offseason: have your entire shoulder blade removed and replaced with the Slap Chop. It can't be much worse.

  • Brad Lidge, Phillies: Out with infinite sadness.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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One time as a child I fell off a brick wall and cracked my head open. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and gushing blood everywhere and my mom thought she was gonna have to take me to the hospital but then I heard the Ice Cream Man, immediately stopped crying, asked for a buck and went and bought a WWF Ice Cream Bar with blood all over my face. These wimps need the Ice Cream Man.

  • Jorge Campilllo, Braves: Hor-Camp is headed to the deel for the second time this season with arm trouble. Man, Glavine must have really looked horrible. Jorge, stop sticking your arm in the trash compactor.

  • Edinson Volquez, Reds: Uh oh. Here's another repeat Creampuff, and one that could have some major implications in the NL Central. He has tendinitis in hit throwing elbow and will cease all baseball activity for 7-10 days. Since I have no hard numbers about pitch counts or innings thrown compared to other pitchers I will not remind you that his manager is Dusty Baker. Not gonna do it.

  • Rafael Betancourt, Asdrubal Cabrera, Grady Sizemore, Indians: Betancourt has a severely sprained groin which sounds severely awful. Sizemore has elbow synovitis from "extending his elbow over and over again." TOO MUCH MACARENA. Cabrera's shoulder separated even though it had previously vowed to stay together for the kids. Ha. The Indians.

  • Scott Hairston, Padres: Hairston strained his left bicep. The most devastating part of the injury are the scores of women now stranded on Pacific Beach with no idea how to get to the gun show.