What's Up, Creampuff?: July 2009 Archives

creampuffshirt.jpgHeading into the dog days we can expect a full MASH unit of Creampuffs looking for rest and relaxation before the pennant drives. Barry Zito calls dibs on the cross-dresser hoping for a dishonorable discharge!

  • Jason Marquis, Rockies: The shock league leader in wins will miss his scheduled start on Friday due to a blister on his throwing hand. Rockies manager Jim Tracy doesn't want the blister to burst; lest a single drop of the divine lifeforce which commandeered Marquis's body to guide him through a inexplicable season spill.

  • Jose Guillen, Royals: Guillen sprained his right knee putting on his shinguard in the on deck circle Wednesday. That's a trip to the DLOL, Jose. I'm going to assume that sucks too.

  • Franklin Gutierrez, Mariners: Let this be a lesson to you, kids: if you're planning to chase halfway across Michigan to catch a fly ball, don't. The surprise WAR king of centerfield is day-to-day with what was first described as "contusions to the knee and elbow" but soon revised to "face and shoulder injury." Hopefully Gutierrez will heed the Ancient Warnings of Ankiel.

  • Manny Ramirez, Dodgers: Day-to-day with a bruised left hand suffered after being hit by a pitch. I think he'll be okay.

  • Vicente Padilla, Eddie Guardado, Omar Vizquel, Rangers: Three of a growing army of Rangers players felled by disease within days. Looks like the team trip to Dengue City over the all star break wasn't such a hot idea. The spirit animal that visits Rangers casualties during fever dreams finally accumulated enough Marriot points to earn a free portable DVD player!

  • Rich Aurilia, Giants: Getting old sucks. Plucking nose hairs, trimming ear hairs, digging out your ingrown toe nailWHOOPS, looks like old man Aurillia is behind in his manscaping. More accurately, Rich has fallen behind in his baseball offense-creation hygene. Aurilia is non-plussed over being Creampuffed, refusing to sign a waiver allowing medical personal to discuss the injury. When Creampuff status is forced on you &mdash we all lose.

  • Jason Giambi, A's: The A's aging DH is out with a strained quad, the same injury that knocked their 2008 aging DH out for most of last season. It's either something in the East Bay or something about signing 40 year olds that is really catching up with Billy Beane.

  • Dustin McGowan, Blue Jays: Double Stuffed Creampuff! McGowan, already out for the year with a torn labrum, suffered damage to the meniscus in his left knee during rehabilitation workouts after his shoulder surgery! The tragic yin to Rocco Baldelli's Tommy-John-required-while-rehabbing-a-blown-knee yang.

newstretcher.JPGBaseball players are often accused of being soft, of complaining about phantom injuries, and of being whiny little girls. I, for one, don't agree with those assessments but it takes a certain kind of man to get hurt over the All Star break. Lucily we have a few such Creampuffs.

  • Jay Bruce, Reds: Remember when Jay Bruce started his big league career in the most storybook way imaginable? When Jay Bruce and Joey Votto were going to terrorize the NL Central atop their dark steeds and ride into the playoffs? First Joey went down with a 1000 yard gaze and now the other Red stud is out with a fractured wrist. Bruce hasn't put up the same caliber of offensive numbers in 2009; though his defense is among the best. Sadly it was a feat of defensive derring-do that landed Bruce on the DL for 6 to 8 weeks.

  • Alan Embree, Rockies: The ageless LOOGY took a frightening line drive to the leg last Friday, fracturing his tibia and possibly ending his season. Manager Jim Tracy is optimistic Embree could return by September, as Tracy possesses intimate knowledge of Embree's deal with the devil. It keeps him in the big leagues in perpetuity and saves him 40% on moving van rentals.

  • Scott Olsen, Nationals: The former Marlin delinquent and ne'er-do-well will not make his next start due to tightness in his left lat muscle. Don't insult my intelligence Nats training staff, I know an oblique when I read a vague description of one on the internet. "Lat" is short for "latissimus dorsi" in the medical community but known as "the rape handle" in the wallaby community.

  • Jonathon Broxton/Cory Wade, Dodgers: Wade will actually head to the deel with a shoulder strain while Broxton's big toe kept him out of the All Star game. No word if Broxton's toe will keep him from closing out any more hollow victories during the Dodgers joylessly inevitable march to the NL West crown. Is there an outside chance that Broxton's injured toe is similar to the "injured toes" Shaq used to get when HE was horribly out of shape?

  • Pedro Martinez, Phillies: Pedro signed and was quickly sent to the disabled list with a case of "old man ass." Petey will spend a few weeks annoying minor leaguers with his bizarre antics before moving up to the big club where he will likely spot start and further tarnish his reputation as one of the best of his generation. Just kidding, get well soon Pedro!

creampuffshirt.jpgMany creampuffs are eying the All-Star break as an opportunity to extend their creampuffery. Planning your injuries around holidays will throw off the algorithms but it's pretty much the basis of work as we all know it.

  • Chipper Jones/Kelly Johnson Braves: Ole Chip is day-to-day with a strained groin. He's only going to take a knee for a day or two and should be available for pinch hitting duties if need be. Whatever Skip needs! Kelly Johnson isn't so lucky and will require a trip to DL with an injured wrist. That's okay, he's been terrible.

  • Randy Johnson, Giants: Randy hurt his 43 year old arm swinging the bat and booting the ball around in the field in a lame, 43 year old attempt to field his position. More time for Johnson to reflect on his own greatness.

  • Torii Hunter/Vlad Guerrero, Angels: The official injury reports list "strained abductor" and "ouchy knee" but the "Old Man-itis" is tearing through the Angels like a pneumonia through a retirement community. Vlady took a wrong step before falling to his hands and needs, furiously pressing his Lifecall medallion until the trainer arrived on scene. Both men await results from MRIs and urine samples. Always with the urine samples.

  • Ronny Belisario, Dodgers: Surprisingly excellent set up man Belisario heads to the DL with a right elbow strain. Wait a minute, an effective right handed bullpen arm leads the team in appearances right up until his elbow explodes? Dr James Andrews should give Joe Torre a sailboat. Losing Belisario from the bullpen throws off the key "skinny guy leading to fat guy" dynamic that' gives the Dodgers to the best pen in the league.

  • Lil Davey Eckstein, Hank White, Padres: Two very old, very average dudes hit the DL with strained right hamstrings. The only other thing hamstrung in San Diego is their ability to evaluate talent. Pulling two good Navymen off the streets of San Diego and inserting them into the Pods lineup won't change the Friars lot in life. Noted nerd Paul DePodesta is currently petitioning the National League to allow Blanco & Eckstein to hit in tandem behind Adrian Gonzalez. He'll still walk three times a night.

  • Chien-Ming Wang, Yankees: Raped by the most popular wallaby in New York.

  • Geovany Soto/Ryan Dempster, Cubs: Paired Creampuff Craziness! Soto's come down with the dreaded oblique strain and his status for the weekend is a deep, dark secret. That's never a good sign Cubs fans, believe you me. Ryan Dempster broke his toe doing something idiotic, much to the delight of a goony kid with expensive seats. Dempster moves to the 15 day DL, forcing his brutal Harry Caray impression to the 60 day DL to make room on the 40 man roster of hilarity.

newstretcher.JPGLong weekend Creampuffs! Spending the holiday weekend in crutches is no fun at all, we should all pity these poor, poor wusses. It takes a real man to run a BBQ.

  • Adrian Beltre, Mariners: Beltre finally decided to have surgery on his ouchie shoulder and will miss the next 6 to 8 weeks as a result. Hurry back Adrian, you're a free agent next year!

  • MIke Lowell, Red Sox: Rob broke down the repeated hip break downs earlier this week. Lowell's trip to the DL is only for some R & R, including the All Star break in his time off is by design. He should do what I do on vacation and drink Thai whiskey while provoking in international incidents.

  • Khalil Greene, Cardinals: Deep, troubled sigh.

  • Antonio Bastardo, Phillies: El Wed-lockless came out of his last start in Tampa complaining of shoulder tightness and clearly diminished velocity. Bastardo's first few starts were excellent but things quickly turned for the young lefty. There is no timetable for his return nor the return of his father. CUZ HE'S A BASTARD.

  • Aaron Miles, Cubs: Hyperextended his elbow fighting off a wallaby. Teammates are quite disappointed as the wallaby was the only way to get Miles out of the lineup.

  • Jorge Posada, Yankees: Posada took a foul tipped-fastball to the left thumb and is currently day-to-day. Posada's pretty old, he should really live each day moment-to-moment.

  • Mark DeRosa, Cardinals: Oh no! The Cards offensive lynchpin is down with a strained tendon! Whomever will save Albert Pujols from himself? While not headed to the Differently Abled List, DeRosa missing any time at all will cause much tongue clucking among Cardinals fans. Cluck all you want, DeRosa isn't that good when he's healthy.

  • Oppression and Tyranny, Freedom Haters: Out with a case of the USAs! USAs! Have a good Fourth peoples.