What's Up, Creampuff?: August 2009 Archives

newstretcher.JPGMore weekend Creampuff madness! A light week for those light in the loafers. Nary a contused testicle among them. Loafers indeed. Back in the Mick's day, you couldn't swing a hooker on Quaaludes without knocking over at least three guys playing through testicular torsion. Pantywaists.

  • David Wright, Mets: Yikes. The Mets just might set Wright down for the rest of the year after taking a fastball to the helmet. Head injuries are scary, stay away dreamboat.

  • Hiroki Kuroda, Dodgesr: Double yikes. Neck braces aren't cool. Can't they move the mound farther back or something? Kuroda is progressing well after his concussion, showing few if any signs of post-concussion problems. I wouldn't fault Hiroki one bit if he quit baseball to spend 23 hours a day in his room.

  • Jason Kubel, Fransisco Liriano, Twins: Kubel banged a ball off his knee while Franky Liriano's arm is pooped from carrying the weight of Minnesotans hopes and dreams since Johan left. Liriano is on the DL to rest his weary appendage while Kubel should take a couple days to contemplate shaving. Vote no, go full Klosterman!

  • All the Reds, Reds: Dusty borkened them all. Hide yer Vottos!

  • Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Rangers: The loss of the Rangers starting catcher paved the way for Ivan Rodriquez's triumphant return to Texas. Like Jesus, but with more steroids. Salty is out with recurring numbness in his right hand, likely caused from signing his mile-long name too many times. THAT'S A LOT OF LETTERS, AMIRITE?

  • Jorge Cantu, Marlins: Jorge is out with stiffness in his neck, caused by the generous helping of scorn we've sent his way over the past two seasons. Our scorn followed him into the pool and held Jorge's head under water for a really, really long time. He kicked and thrashed, straining his neck in the process. He weaseled away because he's so sassy and also greasy. Jorge is day-to-day.

  • DeWayne Wise, White Sox: Wise injured his shoulder the only way he knows how: saving something perfect. This time he dove in front of A.J. Piezynski's fist as the caustic catcher swung wildly at old people on the street. Wise didn't want to see A.J.'s perfect streak of 15 minutes without doing something obnoxious come to an end. "Not on my watch" Wise said while laying prone on the concrete. Pierzynski then stole his watch and walked away. Jerk.

creampuffshirt.jpgOur pal Drew leads off this week's edition of "What's Up, Creampuff" because he went to a bachelor party last weekend and recapped it on Ghostrunner with the following excerpt:

Fast forward XXXX hours: I awake in the hallway of our hotel. On the 16th floor. A room attendant stands over me.

"Where is your room?" He asks sweetly.

Obviously, Drew was lying prone in a hotel hallway because he was raped by a wallaby. END MARSUPIAL SEXUAL ASSAULT NOW. I'll let the man himself run down your other 'puffs:



It is true. I was a victim of sans-consent pouch sex. And I'm not even half the Creampuff of most of these dudes. Two weeks worth!

  • Justin Upton, Snakes: One of the best young players in baseball, felled by the most common and benign sounding injury of the year. THE Justin Upton is down with an oblique but figures to make his triumphant return after two weeks. Mark Reynolds tater tear during Upton's absence also made a Creampuff out of the "lineup protection" school of thought.

  • Scott Schoeneweis, Snakes: Sadly, Schoeneweis is suffering from depression stemming from the death of his young wife. Tragic stuff, I'll choose to recall a much headier time in Scott's life. During his excellent 2005 season with the Blue Jays, I sat behind the bullpen and observed Schoenweis strut past a seated starter who chose to spend the game in the bullpen. Schoeneweis performed a strange, exaggerated walk; paused; and farted directly in the face of his teammate. Hurry back Scott.

  • Rocco Baldelli, Red Sox: Not a bad year for Rocco, all things considered. Only his second trip to the deel in '09. His Socks are 3-5 without him, a true indication of Rocco's worth. Shockingly, it isn't Rocco's cells or plasma that have him sitting out, it is a bruised ankle suffered fouling a ball of his foot in batting practice. That is the true Creampuff we know and love.

  • Gary Sheffield, Mets: Sheffield missed 6 games with an aggravated hamstring injury. How can one tell if any of Gary's parts are more aggravated than the rest. He came back only to be hit on the arm. Gary is now day-to-day with teeth ground to mush.

  • Jorge Posada, Alex Rodriquez, Yankees: Posada took numerous foul tips and errant throws to his stubby, misshapen fingers. Alex Rodriquez took a pitch in his giant elbow pad. Posada will only miss one game while A-Rod will miss two. The lesson here: don't be a catcher.

  • Evan Meek, Pirates: Meek is out with an oh-bleek. The right hander experienced discomfort for several days after sustaining the injury. If the pain doesn't subside he will travel to Whoville for a visit with rhyming injury specialist Dr. James Seuss.

  • Jack Wilson, Mariners: The M's shortstop of the future the time being left Wednesday's game after suffering an injury attempting to make a diving catch. He's day-to-day for now but is expected to make a speedy recovery, buoyed by the news that he's not Adrian Beltre.

  • Rich Aurilia, Giants: Just days after returning from a crushing case of "you aren't good Rich" the Giants veteran is sent to the DL once again. This time he's caught "nope you still suck old man." The official cause of forced retirement is left ankle tendinitis but the roster manipulation says otherwise. Aurilia complained of "being achy" though he's confident he'll "be activated when...eligible." Don't hold on to hope too tightly Rich, you're liable to strain a oblique.

newstretcher.JPGOne day late but these Dudes are getting Creampuffed all the same. If you plan on taking two long weeks away from baseball, you don't let the weekend stop you.

  • Erik Bedard, Mariners: We should just face facts and change this feature to "What's Up, Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt in Addition to Erik Bedard." Bedard came back off the list, made one aborted start, and jumped back onto the list. His shoulder is the culprit but the real casualty is his flagging trade value. Free agency may just fray his labrum even further.

  • Nate Schierhotlz, Giants: Another week, another wall banger on the Creampuff list. Schierholtz crashed into a chainlink outfield fence, bruising his hip causing internal bleeding! That must just be a fancy way of saying bad bruise, but I think he should retire anyway. Ruptured spleens can only be around the corner.

  • Ian Kinsler, Rangers: The studly second sacker is day-to-day with strained hamstrings suffered earlier this week. Based on the Ranger's financial strife, I think he may have strained his purse strings! AMIRITE?

  • Jeff Suppan, Brewers: The Year of the Oblique strikes again! This time the Brewers Opening Day starter feels the wrath of side pain. The Brewers are on the periphery of the Wild Card and NL Central races so losing Suppan can only help their case.

  • Brett Gardner, Yankees: The Yankees are one of the oldest and slowest teams in baseball, so being known as "the fastest Yankee" is akin to being "the most trusted Mets beat writer" or "assistant to the head meter-reader in Phenom Phenh. With Brett Gardner out with a broken thumb, the position is up for grabs! I predict a 3 heat run off between Hideki Matsui and Yogi Berra, the winner gets to keep the other's mountainous porn collection.

  • Scott Rolen, Reds: Raped in the cab of a dump truck by a Wallaby.

  • LaTroy Hawkins, Astros: SHINGLES. Hawkins isn't the only Astropuff but he's certainly the only one with shingles. No wonder Roy Halladay vetoed a trade to the state of Texas; it's the pitcher illness epicenter of the United States. Nobody wants to see their ace go down with Typhoid.