What's Up, Creampuff?: September 2009 Archives

Lots of Creampuffs get shut down for the year with varying levels of actual or imagined malady. The injury reports tend to leak out in a less than upfront manner at this time of year, as the swollen roster can take the hits a lot better than these Creampuffs.

I tried to narrow it down to men of importance this week. Unfortunately, the interesting and/or impactful people are all absconded deep in FORTRESS PITTSBURGH so I had to write about baseball players instead.

• Bobby Jenks, White Sox: The girthiest closer in the American League is out for the year with some sort of leg injury common to fat people. Jenks was spotted in the clubhouse wearing a walking boot usually used to support the ankle or leg, here used to smuggle fudge into the bullpen.

• Junichi Tazawa, Red Sox: The Japanese Red Sock of least importance was placed on the 60 Day DL with a strained groin Monday. 60 day DL for a groin strain?? Sounds serious. THEY MUST BE HOLDING HIS GROIN MUSCLES TOGETHER WITH CHOPSTICKS. Or they needed to clear a spot on the 40 man roster in September. A baseball-mad nation eventually turns its eyes to you Junichi, just as soon as they've found out what Ichiro thinks about Metal Gear Solid 4.

• Marco Scutaro, Blue Jays: The surprising contract year shortstop figures to be done for the annum with planter fasciiatis. Or "a tear in the plantar fascia in his right heel." Either the infernal Fieldturf is killing Marco Scutaro or he secretly plays in the NBA. Have you ever seen him and Manu Ginobili in the same room? Italian last names yet hailing from South America? The same elaborate yet lazy alibi for a secret two sport star. Marco Scutaro will work your pitch count as he takes you to the hole.

• Chipper Jones, Braves: First the groin and now the back. Ol' Chip is wearing down. Too much time in the dear stand, I reckon.

• Nolan Reimold, Orioles: Rookie of the Year darkhorse rides a pale horse into the offseason after Achilles Tendon surgery. Another disappointment for Orioles fans and players. Reimold should recover in time for Opening Day next where he will join teammates Brian Roberts, Nick Markakis, Matt Weiters, and Adam Jones in futilely pursuing personal goals and accolades.

• Bruce Chen, Royals: If you have Bruce Chen on your fantasy team, you deserve the worst the world has to offer. Your team can only be in last place of an AL Central Keeper league and your life could charitably be described as shambolic. Seek help now. On a cheerier note: Bruce Chen pitched in the Major Leagues in 2009? Dayton Moore should apply everything I said before to his tenure. You'd have to sign three Zack Greinke's to cover up the mess he made.

• Numerous Wallabies, Sydney Rapists: Sand-raped by a vengeful God. The wallabies are on notice.

That is about it. Sorry Scott Hairston, you moved from one pitcher's park to another and put up worse numbers. Nobody cares about your ouchy hips.

With the expanded rosters, there's very little need for teams to use the disabled list anymore. Everyone's carrying like 5 catchers and 83 relievers, so they've got depth coming out of their ears. But that's not stopping our favorite stars from getting hurt and being out for the remaining couple weeks of the season! No sir, creampuffery never rests, and we'll never stop having fun at their expense.

Besides, we have to keep you informed since it's fantasy baseball playoff season! In the Walkoff Walk league, the semifinal matchups feature commenters Jerkwheat and Chief Wahoo going head-to-head, while my own team faces The Colonel's tough squadron. Time for me to finally bench Milton Bradley!

Onto the VERITABLE M*A*S*H UNIT:

• Gavin Floyd: The White Sox starter left Wednesday's game early with a hip ouchie and will probably be shelved for the rest of 2009. It's not like the White Sox have a ghost of a chance, right Ozzie?
  
  
• Roy Oswalt: It's operation shutdown, Roy my boy. Fella has had back pain since August and won't toe the rubber anymore this year. Unless you're talking about the ribbed rubber mat in his shower at home. Roy's number one concern is shower safety. His number two concern is striking out Derrek Lee (15 times!)
  
  
• Lance Berkman: It's a tough year to be an Astros fan! Or an Astros player's back! Fat Elvis hurt his back lifting weights and missed a couple games this week. Get a spotter, buddy. It's not like Ed Wade is doing anything useful in the G.M.'s office, he can help.
  
  
• Jarrod Washburn: The Tigers starter hurt his knee giving up a million home runs this week and will probably miss his weekend start. To add insult to injury for Deeeetroit fans, the Tigers organization was fully aware of his swollen, painful knee when they acquired him from Seattle in July. Ouch.
  
  
• Andy Pettitte: Sometimes, Obama's plan for preventative care is best. The veteran lefty missed a start this week to rest an achy shoulder.
  
  
• Mike Hampton: This porcelain doll is shattered. Some folks feel bad for him. I can't disagree. He's going to miss all of next season after rotator cuff surgery. What could have been! He's such a schlimazel. Oy.
  
  
• Billy Wagner: Raped by a wallaby with an egg-shaped penis.
  
  
• Alfonso Soriano: Fella went under the knife for the first time ever to fix his ouchie knee, but was relieved to be anesthetized. Fonzie said he liked hallucinating unicorns and rainbows while the doctors scraped the bloody mess inside his kneespot.
  
  
• Justin Morneau: Broke his back carrying his ill-begotten 2006 AL MVP award.
  
  
• Chipper Jones: Ol' Chip hurt his groin swinging a bat which only lends more credence to the prediction that he'll retire after next year. He missed last night's game which, coincidentally, the Braves won. Maybe Ken Rosensquirrel was right!

A few weeks have passed since our last look at the Creampuffs. The season winds down and the creampuffery heats up. We can only hope none of these injuries are serious enough to keep our heroes from the hunting, fishing, and college football watching they've planned for to the offseason.

• Cristian Guzman, Nationals: Guzman missed three games this week with bunions on this foot. Some might consider the Nationals a bunion on the foot of baseball, though they get to wear super fancy shoes to offset their pain. Others would say bunions are painful as hell and The Gooze is a real champ for only ducking out of three contests.

• Carlos Pena, Rays: Carlos Pena will miss the rest of the season with two broken fingers, one shy of his True Outcomes. Too bad Carlos misses out on the chance to finish the season with more home runs than singles, that is just an awesome enough non-feat to piss off any number of crotchety traditionalists.

• Matt Holliday, Cardinals: The finest deadline acquisition this year left Wednesday's game with a sore left knee. If you listen carefully in the Midwest, you can hear two sounds: one is the sound of Cardinals fans gathering their breath to boo every time Albert Pujols is walked for the duration of Holliday's downtime. The other is the sound of Mark DeRosa realizing he will be counted on to contribute while being semi-puffed himself.

• Jarrod Washburn, Tigers: Washburn missed a start last weekend with a persistent case of "Dear God, what have we done? Can we send him back??? Damn you Zduriencikkkkkkkkkkk!" He recovered in time to make a middling start against the Royals last night. Consider it a flare up.

• Tim Lincecum, Giants: Raped by 1000 wallabies making Dazed & Confused references.

• Adam Jones, Orioles: Jones will miss the rest of the year with a severe ankle sprain. Adam Jones emerged as the lone bright spot for the OriLOLes this season, making his stupid/accidental injury that much tougher to take for Boog Powell's friends. Compared to our next guy, this is the definition of Creampuffery.

• Chad Qualls, Snakes: This is nearly two weeks old but yeeszus God is it brutal. Full marks to Qualls for chilling on the ground with his wits about him after dislocating his damn kneecap. I'd have choked to death on my own tears before the trainer's shoe touched grass. Creampuff? Not so much.