- Brandon Webb, Diamondbacks: "Guys with 130 career ERA +: Where Are They Now?" Apparently still a mystery.
- Aroldis Chapman, Reds: Apparently his injury aint all that bad, but he's still losing the five spot to a well timed joke.
- Lance Berkman, Astros: Puma is stalking on a balky post surgery knee that everyone is playing down. I'll call him not being fully well until the ASB.
- Alex Gordon, Royals: One of the only living stars in KC's night sky broke his thumb trying to steal a base at the beginning of camp, and now will be legally unavailable for the start of the season. Early bird catches the shit.
- Joe Nathan, Twins: You know lots of people waxed poetic about Joe Mauer's contract being a pure ray of God's love. But a select few also framed Nathan's season ending owwie as The End Of Innocence. Farewell, peaceful 9th.
- Ian Kinsler, Rangers: A simple sounding high ankle sprain is begetting a pinch of panic in Arlington. Kinsler needs to snort a line of courage if he hopes to play the first week of this season. I've seen enough dudes with the skills to be perennial mvp candos spend their careers on the DL.
STAY TUNED FOR PART II. IT'S GONNA BE A DARK STAR EPIC!!!!