What's Up, Creampuff?: April 2010 Archives

What's Up Creampuff: Guys Who Got Hurt Pt. 1

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I wonder what my therapist thinks about me turning Friday into a day for pain. Between Creampuff and the Bat Attack Roundup there's something about today that makes me revel in the ouchies. Actually, my therapist is probably more concerned with the fact that I just stopped going a few months ago and still owe him some money. On with the Marys.

  • Chipper Jones, Braves: OL' CHIP strained his oblique swinging yesterday. Seems like no big deal, and he should only miss a couple games. But this is like the 20 trillionth time it's happened to Lar, giving Fonzie O'Brien enough pause to write "Uh-O" in his headline like a pooping toddler.

  • Felix Pie, Orioles: Felix has a minor rotator cuff strain and will miss a couple games. Snoozy, but also notable for not involving his testicles.

  • Brian Sanches, Marlins: Pulled his hamstring leading to this diagnosis from Dr. Fredi Gonzalez:"Usually when it's higher up, it can be more severe than in the middle of the hamstring, or lower," Gonzalez said. Thanks, dude. I wouldn't trust Fredi Gonzalez to pour me a dose of Dimetapp.

  • Orlando Hudson, Twins: Hudson left last nights game but apparently "feels fine after being kneed in the head." That's the same way I'd describe Minnesota taxpayers after seeing how pretty Target Field is.

  • Luis Castillo, Mets: "Castillo, who tweaked his left hand diving into first base on an infield hit Thursday, will not play Friday, but that's due to his calf and not his hand bothering him, the Newark Star-Ledger reports." Meet the Mets!

  • Jeff Niemann, Rays: Done got smoked in the arm by a line drive. Joe Maddon recommends an ice pack and a 2004 Argentinian Malbec.

  • Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Rangers: Just days after his opening day walkoff hit, Salty hits the DL with back pain. Sweet! No finer reward for a job well done than a paid vacation. Enjoy crouching everyday in the Texas heat, Teagarden. Sucker.

  • Aaron Hill, Blue Jays: Hill is out with a tight hamstring. The Blue Jays are replacing him in the lineup with DH Mervin Wells, the heretofore unknown twin brother of Vernon Wells. They're identical except for a mustache and a pair of cheap looking glasses.

What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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Despite a decent amount of inclement New England weather this Winter, I stayed relatively injury free. Couple stubbed toes here, a few hangovers there. I also have a bit of chronic lower back pain developing which I attribute to work and I probably should get one of those rad looking lifting belts. But I'll tell you what. I look like Jack Friggin Lalanne next to the following Hummel Figurines.

  • CHIPPER Jones, Braves: We already made note of this yesterday in TQ but ol' Dave O'Brien at the AJC caught sight of the ingrown toenail that was so severe it kept him out of a game this week. I'm surprised he didn't take a couple rounds of duckshot and just shoot it off. He's a ballplayer, dammit!

  • Koji Uehara, Orioles: The Japanese ambassador to Baltimore hasn't thrown off of a mound in a couple weeks and thus, will start the season on the deel. Koji has a relatively long injury history compared to his time of service. Starting the season on the 15 day really shows that you've arrived as a Creampuff, though.

  • Jacoby Ellsbury, Red Sox: Missed a couple games with a sore arm. Descriptive. This is why Creampuff is harder to do in camp, obviously, because guys miss games with nebulous injuries that they would just play through in the regular season. If this was a game in July, Ellsbury would just be making weak throws to the cutoff man, sore arm or not.

  • Roy Oswalt, Lance Berkman, Astros: Baseball's other ace named Roy has a body that is seizing up like the engine on an '83 Oldsmobile. Hamstring tightness, chronic back problems, and a mysterious muscle pain on his left side. All of these things will contribute to... Oswalt starting Opening Day. Okay, then. Berkman had surgery in March that's left his knee "cranky, sore and swollen, like walking around on Urban Meyer. He will miss the opener.

  • Alex Gordon, Royals: Gordon has been dealing with a thumb ouchie for bout all of camp and will start the season on the deel. Progressing well, but still an auspicious way to begin a season for a guy trying to bounce back from an injury riddled 2009.

  • Jeff Suppan, Brewers: Suppan has landed on the DL, with cervical disc pain, aka a sore neck. This was caused by either vigorous headbanging at a MercyMe show or nodding vigorously in agreement to a speaker at a Tea Party rally.

  • Brad Lidge, J.C. Romero, Joe Blanton, Phillies: Neither Lidge nor Romero have fully recovered from offseason surgery, and Blanton has an oblique strain that could keep him out for as long as 6 weeks. Didn't even know Cuntry Joe had obliques.

  • Fred Lewis, Giants: Lewis has a strained ribcage that will likely start his season on the DL assuming the Giants keep him at all. Root for the DL Fred!! Don't get traded, San Francisco is lovely in the summer!

  • Cliff Lee, Mariners: Lee threw with no discomfort blah blah Curt Shilling yapping blah blah. Why do I feel like I'm gonna get sick of talking about Cliff Lee soon? What did he do to deserve it?